Read Spank: The Improbable Adventures of George Aloysius Brown for Free Online

beaches Churchill had not specifically alluded to campgrounds, George nonetheless felt impelled to mount a spirited defense.
    " Look, mate, it was an accident, brake failed, no damage done, " he said. " Here, you can have your tent back. "
    Later, it would transpire from official reports that Herr Schitler's howitzer was artificially boosted by a prosthesis inflated by a pump embedded in his scrotum. In the heat of battle with what remained of his groundsheet flapping at his ankles he had been unable to locate the deflate switch and thus restore his rampant member to default setting. All this was subsequently reported in the Sunday papers. For at that moment the local constabulary arrived, attracted by shouting and a general clamor seldom witnessed in the sedate environs of Shoreham-on-Sea. Sgt. William Johnson, returning to duty after a leisurely lunch, was not pleased at having his afternoon rudely interrupted. " Bloody visitors, " he muttered to himself as he dismounted from his bicycle. " Comin' 'ere, shoutin' and carryin' on. " Surveying the scene, he came to the not illogical conclusion that Herr Schitler was the root cause of the disturbance. " That, sir, " he intoned, pointing his notebook at Herr Schitler's member, " constitutes indecent exposure and might also be construed as wielding a dangerous weapon in public. " This would lead to a summons being issued to Herr Schitler, which did little to improve his disposition.
    When the dust settled and a measure of order had been restored to the Lazy Daze Campground and Sgt. Johnson had pedaled off shaking his head, George bundled Pem back into the van, giving her rear a little pat as he did so. By this time, they were both helpless with laughter. " Oh, George, " she said. " I didn't know knew you could be so… so commanding. You should have seen the look on his face when you said he could have his tent back. " George, who had seen the look on Herr Schitler's face, swelled with pride as did the little fella who apparently decided it was now safe to re-emerge. " And you my love, " he told her, " were heroic beyond the call of duty. For that you shall be rewarded with the field marshal's baton. " Pem reached across and gave it an encouraging squeeze. " To the high ground, " she said.
    Later that evening while it was still light they walked back down the hill to the camping area to apologize to the German visitors whose tent they had briefly highjacked. They walked slowly hand-in-hand because the grass underfoot was still slippery. The toilet that Gretchen had knocked on its side had been righted and restored to its foundation and peace and good order had returned to the Lazy Daze Campground.
    They halted at the entrance to Herr Schitler's tent, which was tightly zippered. They could hear voices within and concluded it was safe to intrude.
    " Ahem, " George coughed loudly, there being no knocker. " Excuse us, may we have a word? "
    The zipper moved encouragingly and Dieter's tousled head appeared. " Oh, it's you two, " he said. " What do you want? "
    " We came to apologize, " George said hurriedly. " If there is any damage, please let us pay for it. Meanwhile we just wanted to say we're sorry. What happened must have been a terrible shock to you. And it was our fault. Well, mine, really, I should have fixed the hand brake on our van. "
    The German couple emerged from their domain and stood to confront their visitors.
    " I'm Dieter Schitler and this is my wife, Anagrette. "
    Pem thought he had a nice smile, that they both did.
    " How do you do? " George said. " Pleased to meet you. We're the Browns, George and Pem, although Pem uses her Balinese name, Surjani.
    " Bali ? " said Dieter. He looked delighted. " We were in Bali just last year. We loved it. Wonderful people. We enjoyed it very much. Won't you sit for a moment, join us for a drink? "
    So they sat together at a picnic table and Dieter produced a bottle of schnapps and four plastic glasses. Soon they were laughing