Read Spank: The Improbable Adventures of George Aloysius Brown for Free Online Page B
Authors: Alan Daniels
photographs you wish to submit to the court at this stage ? " asked Lady Warmington, hopefully.
" No, your Honor. "
She frowned.
" Nothing on YouTube? "
" 'Fraid not, your Honor. "
Her ladyship could barely conceal her disappointment. She was thinking, " Every damn thing is on YouTube these days. How can a tourist from Baden Baden waive his whatsit around in my jurisdiction and somehow elude the digita l scrutiny of citizen reporters? "
Of course, she made no such comment for the record, instead shuffling her court documents in silent irritation.
" Carry on, " she said.
" Call Sgt. William Johnson, " said the prosecutor.
Entering the courtroom, the sergeant groaned inwardly when he saw who it was on the bench. He had had a crush on Geraldine Warmington when they were both teenagers. She was easily the prettiest girl in their class. But he had admired her from afar, too shy to declare his awkward adolescent feelings and terrified of outright rejection. Even now, thirty years later, he felt flustered in her presence. His problem was that under the law covering indecent exposure the crown would have to prove the defendant had an erection if the case were to be successfully prosecuted. And that unenviable task fell to him.
As his evidence unfolded, the dreaded moment arrived.
The crown counsel was on his feet.
" At some stage in your investigation at the campground you decided that Mr. Schitler should be charged with the offence that is the subject of today's proceedings, is that correct? "
" Yes sir, " said Sgt. Johnson.
" Exactly what was it that you saw that brought you to that conclusion? "
Sgt. Johnson took a deep breath. " The defendant was, was ...the defendant was ...well...fully armed, " he blurted. He stared at the shine on his boots, embarrassed. He couldn't bring himself to say the word. Not in front of her.
Her ladyship, however, had no such qualms.
" What do you mean 'fully armed?' " she intoned from on high. " May I remind you this is not a firearms charge, sergeant; it is one of indecent exposure. "
Manfully, but even more embarrassed, Sgt. Johnson tried again.
" What I mean is, he had a huge... a huge... "
Lady Warmington looked at her watch. She was running out of patience. She had never liked Billy Johnson, a common little boy who always seemed to be hanging around the schoolyard water fountain whenever she swept by with her friends.
" The witness may write it down, " she said, " if for some reason he finds himself unable to say it. "
The usher jumped forward with pen and paper and, like a messenger with a forked stick, duly conveyed the note to her ladyship.
She took it from him, moving her spectacles to the end of her nose with theatrical exaggeration.
" Erection, " she said loudly. " Let it be recorded that Sgt. Johnson's evidence is that the defendant had a 'huge erecti on .' "
At this, the reporter from the local paper could no longer contain her mirth. Her stifled laughter rang through the courtroom and spilled into the hallway.
In the public gallery George and Pem clutched at each other and laughed until their eyes watered. Her ladyship was also similarly indisposed, hiding behind a copy of Abbreviated English Case Law . She was the first to recover.
" Order! Order! " she thundered. " Or I shall clear the court! Now where were we? " she demanded of the court stenographer, who studied her stenography machine and dutifully read back what was recorded.
" …the defendant had a huge erection, your Honor. "
This started everyone off again as her ladyship had suspected it might. This was turning out to be more fun than bird watching.
She addressed her next remarks to the defendant.
" Do you have any questions for this witness? "
" No, Your Honor. " Secretly, Herr Schitler was rather pleased at how things were going so far. He couldn't wait to tell his friends in Baden Baden that the size of his penis had been alluded to in evidence in a British court of law. He threw an
" No, your Honor. "
She frowned.
" Nothing on YouTube? "
" 'Fraid not, your Honor. "
Her ladyship could barely conceal her disappointment. She was thinking, " Every damn thing is on YouTube these days. How can a tourist from Baden Baden waive his whatsit around in my jurisdiction and somehow elude the digita l scrutiny of citizen reporters? "
Of course, she made no such comment for the record, instead shuffling her court documents in silent irritation.
" Carry on, " she said.
" Call Sgt. William Johnson, " said the prosecutor.
Entering the courtroom, the sergeant groaned inwardly when he saw who it was on the bench. He had had a crush on Geraldine Warmington when they were both teenagers. She was easily the prettiest girl in their class. But he had admired her from afar, too shy to declare his awkward adolescent feelings and terrified of outright rejection. Even now, thirty years later, he felt flustered in her presence. His problem was that under the law covering indecent exposure the crown would have to prove the defendant had an erection if the case were to be successfully prosecuted. And that unenviable task fell to him.
As his evidence unfolded, the dreaded moment arrived.
The crown counsel was on his feet.
" At some stage in your investigation at the campground you decided that Mr. Schitler should be charged with the offence that is the subject of today's proceedings, is that correct? "
" Yes sir, " said Sgt. Johnson.
" Exactly what was it that you saw that brought you to that conclusion? "
Sgt. Johnson took a deep breath. " The defendant was, was ...the defendant was ...well...fully armed, " he blurted. He stared at the shine on his boots, embarrassed. He couldn't bring himself to say the word. Not in front of her.
Her ladyship, however, had no such qualms.
" What do you mean 'fully armed?' " she intoned from on high. " May I remind you this is not a firearms charge, sergeant; it is one of indecent exposure. "
Manfully, but even more embarrassed, Sgt. Johnson tried again.
" What I mean is, he had a huge... a huge... "
Lady Warmington looked at her watch. She was running out of patience. She had never liked Billy Johnson, a common little boy who always seemed to be hanging around the schoolyard water fountain whenever she swept by with her friends.
" The witness may write it down, " she said, " if for some reason he finds himself unable to say it. "
The usher jumped forward with pen and paper and, like a messenger with a forked stick, duly conveyed the note to her ladyship.
She took it from him, moving her spectacles to the end of her nose with theatrical exaggeration.
" Erection, " she said loudly. " Let it be recorded that Sgt. Johnson's evidence is that the defendant had a 'huge erecti on .' "
At this, the reporter from the local paper could no longer contain her mirth. Her stifled laughter rang through the courtroom and spilled into the hallway.
In the public gallery George and Pem clutched at each other and laughed until their eyes watered. Her ladyship was also similarly indisposed, hiding behind a copy of Abbreviated English Case Law . She was the first to recover.
" Order! Order! " she thundered. " Or I shall clear the court! Now where were we? " she demanded of the court stenographer, who studied her stenography machine and dutifully read back what was recorded.
" …the defendant had a huge erection, your Honor. "
This started everyone off again as her ladyship had suspected it might. This was turning out to be more fun than bird watching.
She addressed her next remarks to the defendant.
" Do you have any questions for this witness? "
" No, Your Honor. " Secretly, Herr Schitler was rather pleased at how things were going so far. He couldn't wait to tell his friends in Baden Baden that the size of his penis had been alluded to in evidence in a British court of law. He threw an