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Yellow-bellied, lily-livered, chicken-hearted (wait, I’m getting hungry) Humans who just go to pieces (when we’re done with ‘em) at the sight of a few shambling Zombies heading their way. Which leads to their capture. And our lunch break.
    A hasty temper. Humans with anger management issues can easily be provoked, not by Zombies, but by close relatives, Human rivals for possible mates, or cable company employees. While they’re busy beating their chests, step in and take a bite out of the situation.
    A delicacy of honor and fear of shame. When it comes to Zombies, there is no delicacy. Our watchwords: No guts, no glory!
    Over-solicitude for his soldiers. The Human leader who is a caring father figure will expose himself to worry, sleepless nights, jangled nerves, lowered resistance, and Zombies! Another easy target.
LET THESE
TOPICS PROVIDE
GRAY MATTER
FOR THOUGHT.
     

nine

THE HORDE ON
THE MARCH
    Zombie all
you can be

    S un-Tzumbie said: We come now to the question of encamping the Horde, and observing the movements of the Enemy. Pass quickly over open ground, where it might be easy for a sharpshooter to get in a head shot. Avoid hills, as your climbing abilities are limited. Stick to urban areas, if you must—there is an abundance of prey. Or seek the concealment of wooded areas. Before Apocalypse ( BA for short), fugitive Humans eluded capture for decades by using the protective cover of the forest.
    After crossing a river, shamble far from it. If you find yourself carried away by the current, wait until you wash up on the banks and continue your foray. Many Zombies have found their way to New Orleans in this manner, and it is now a trendy mecca for elite Zs, although at times it may be difficult to distinguish the Living from the Undead.
    Fortunately, we ghouls are not hindered by the need for waterborne craft. It is often possible to snatch a quick meal as Humans embark and debark from their vessels. Lurking under pylons and pontoons is especially effective. If you can, upset their boat and seize them while they’re floundering around. Marvel at how they resemble us in such situations.
    In crossing salt marshes, take advantage of the preservative properties of salts. With proper seasoning, you’ll stay fresh and dry for months, staving off the effects of putrefaction. The downside of salt-curing is excessively dry skin. This will peel away before too long, however, and other Zombies will admire your new, streamlined bony look.
    Dry, level country favors the horizontally-abled. You will be able to heave yourself along indefinitely while taller ghouls may fall to Human attackers. Moving at ground level affords you the opportunity to bite and grasp at ankles and bring down any number of Mortals.
    THE BRANCHES OF LORE
     
    These are the four useful branches of lore referred to in The Zombie Field Manual, which enabled the great Undead Emperor Imhotep (often mistakenly referred to as “The Mummy”) to vanquish the Fourth Dynasty, as follows:
    KNOW YOUR ENEMY. Humans will always choose high ground over low, and sunny places over dark. Maneuver your forces so that the sun is in their eyes. You will have the advantage of appearing darker, scarier, and more menacing. Move in darkness whenever you can. You will gain a powerful psychological advantage over the timid Gray Matter Storage Receptacles.
               Humans will try to avoid country with precipitous cliffs, torrents, deep natural hollows, confined places, tangled thickets, quagmires, and crevasses. It is for this reason that these are precisely the locations to which you should direct and divert them. The more confined the space, the more difficult it will be for them to raise their weapons against you. If they can’t pull the starter cord on that chain saw, it will be worse than useless.
              Beware of quagmires and quicksand, which can immobilize a Zombie already unsteady on his feet. Many an ossified Zombie has been unearthed in