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Tags: Zombies
through
the land of the Living
S un-Tzumbie said: Team Zombie may distinguish six kinds of terrain.
Happy Hunting Ground
Land of No Return
No Great Shakes
Narrow Passes
Precipitous Heights
Distant Ground
1. Ground which can be freely traversed by both sides is called Happy Hunting Ground or Accessible Ground. The open fields of Pennsylvania are a prime example. With regard to ground of this nature, beat the Enemy in occupying raised, sunny spots. Or just eat the Enemy.
2. Ground which can be abandoned but is hard to re-occupy is called Land of No Return, or Entangling Ground. From a position of this sort, if the Enemy is unprepared, you may shamble forth and defeat him. But if the Enemy, especially the Redneck (see also Variables of Engagement ), is prepared for your coming, and you fail to defeat him, then mayhem and keg parties will ensue.
3. When the position is such that neither side will gain by making the first move, it is called No Great Shakes, or Temporizing Ground. In a position of this sort, even though the Enemy should offer us its attractive bait (BRRRAAAIIINNNS), it will be advisable not to stumble forth, but rather to retreat, thus enticing the Human in his turn. Then, when part of his army has come out, we may deliver our attack with advantage.
4. With regard to Narrow Passes, if you can occupy them first, let them be strongly manned, er, Zombied, and await the advent of the Enemy. Should the Humans forestall you in occupying a pass, do not go after it if the pass is fully garrisoned, but only if it is weakly garrisoned. Because even though the Humans’ spirits may be willing, their flesh will be weak. But tasty nonetheless.
5. With regard to Precipitous Heights, if you are there before your adversary, occupy the raised and sunny spots and wait for him to come up. Work on your tan; perhaps it will help even out your varied skin tones. If the Enemy has occupied them before you, do not follow him, but retreat to the basement, shut off the lights, and simply wait for your foe. Humans are so bloody predictable.
When you are far from the Enemy, the land you occupy is called Distant Ground. The strength of your two armies is equal, it is not easy to provoke a battle, and fighting will be to your disadvantage. Hold off.
UNLESS TOMORROW
HAS BEEN
CANCELED DUE
TO LACK
OF INTEREST.
These six are the principles connected with Earth. The Zombie leader who has attained a responsible post must take care to study them. But the Zombie is not a quick study. Allow adequate time.
Now a Horde is exposed to SIX CALAMITIES, not arising from natural causes, but from faults for which the Zombie general is responsible. These are:
Flight, or in our case, blight
Insubordination, or in our case, incomprehension
Collapse— after our heads are severed from our bodies
Ruin— when some hothead Human blows up the Earth
Disorganization— well, we can’t help that
Rout, or in our case, rot
Thought for the day: Other conditions being equal, if one force (such as a pie) is hurled against another ten times its size (such as a Zombie), the result will be the SPLAT of the former.
When the common Zombies are too strong and their officers too weak, the result is Insubordination. Also a cry for some sort of hygiene.
When the officers are too strong and the common Zombies too weak, the result is Collapse; the Zombies go to pieces under the (Virus) strain.
When the higher officers are angry and insubordinate, and on meeting the Enemy, give battle on their own account from a feeling of resentment, before the Zombie-in-chief can tell whether or not he is in a position to fight, the result is Ruin. Zombie Leaders: Refrain from blowing your tops.
When the Horde general is weak and without authority; when his orders are not clear and distinct (Zombie leaders should possess some verbal skills and
the land of the Living
S un-Tzumbie said: Team Zombie may distinguish six kinds of terrain.
Happy Hunting Ground
Land of No Return
No Great Shakes
Narrow Passes
Precipitous Heights
Distant Ground
1. Ground which can be freely traversed by both sides is called Happy Hunting Ground or Accessible Ground. The open fields of Pennsylvania are a prime example. With regard to ground of this nature, beat the Enemy in occupying raised, sunny spots. Or just eat the Enemy.
2. Ground which can be abandoned but is hard to re-occupy is called Land of No Return, or Entangling Ground. From a position of this sort, if the Enemy is unprepared, you may shamble forth and defeat him. But if the Enemy, especially the Redneck (see also Variables of Engagement ), is prepared for your coming, and you fail to defeat him, then mayhem and keg parties will ensue.
3. When the position is such that neither side will gain by making the first move, it is called No Great Shakes, or Temporizing Ground. In a position of this sort, even though the Enemy should offer us its attractive bait (BRRRAAAIIINNNS), it will be advisable not to stumble forth, but rather to retreat, thus enticing the Human in his turn. Then, when part of his army has come out, we may deliver our attack with advantage.
4. With regard to Narrow Passes, if you can occupy them first, let them be strongly manned, er, Zombied, and await the advent of the Enemy. Should the Humans forestall you in occupying a pass, do not go after it if the pass is fully garrisoned, but only if it is weakly garrisoned. Because even though the Humans’ spirits may be willing, their flesh will be weak. But tasty nonetheless.
5. With regard to Precipitous Heights, if you are there before your adversary, occupy the raised and sunny spots and wait for him to come up. Work on your tan; perhaps it will help even out your varied skin tones. If the Enemy has occupied them before you, do not follow him, but retreat to the basement, shut off the lights, and simply wait for your foe. Humans are so bloody predictable.
When you are far from the Enemy, the land you occupy is called Distant Ground. The strength of your two armies is equal, it is not easy to provoke a battle, and fighting will be to your disadvantage. Hold off.
UNLESS TOMORROW
HAS BEEN
CANCELED DUE
TO LACK
OF INTEREST.
These six are the principles connected with Earth. The Zombie leader who has attained a responsible post must take care to study them. But the Zombie is not a quick study. Allow adequate time.
Now a Horde is exposed to SIX CALAMITIES, not arising from natural causes, but from faults for which the Zombie general is responsible. These are:
Flight, or in our case, blight
Insubordination, or in our case, incomprehension
Collapse— after our heads are severed from our bodies
Ruin— when some hothead Human blows up the Earth
Disorganization— well, we can’t help that
Rout, or in our case, rot
Thought for the day: Other conditions being equal, if one force (such as a pie) is hurled against another ten times its size (such as a Zombie), the result will be the SPLAT of the former.
When the common Zombies are too strong and their officers too weak, the result is Insubordination. Also a cry for some sort of hygiene.
When the officers are too strong and the common Zombies too weak, the result is Collapse; the Zombies go to pieces under the (Virus) strain.
When the higher officers are angry and insubordinate, and on meeting the Enemy, give battle on their own account from a feeling of resentment, before the Zombie-in-chief can tell whether or not he is in a position to fight, the result is Ruin. Zombie Leaders: Refrain from blowing your tops.
When the Horde general is weak and without authority; when his orders are not clear and distinct (Zombie leaders should possess some verbal skills and
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