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power couple
package. You say you don’t want to date poly, but dating me is like dating a
single male who happens to come with a best friend with benefits. It’s worth
it. The wife and I can explain more about how poly works. You’ve probably met
some poly assholes who gave the lifestyle a bad impression. It’s not like that.
    ~*~
    hi, loved your ad. just curious if you've ever thought about meeting a
couple
    ~*~
    Stop rejecting polyamory! It is the only way a woman like you can be happy! I
read your profile and I can tell you are full of yourself and full of life and
full of too much for one man to handle. You made mistakes!!. You didn't marry
when you were young and fertile because you wanted to see the world. I
understand. Now you are old and lonely and want a family. You will not have one
at your age! You do not have to die alone. Polyamory is the answer. You can
have many healthy relationships with many men. I want to be the first. I can
introduce you to how polyamory works and introduce you to many other
polyamorous people. Stop denying yourself what you deserve!!! It is all you
have left!!!!!
     

I Blame Viagra
    I'm in my 30's, and I have no qualms about being honest about my
age in personal ads. Therefore, I'm genuinely shocked how many 19-24 year olds
ping me with a horribly composed sentence explaining how much they crave the
company of a "matuare sexxxy woman who has it going on." I'm equally startled by the sheer volume of men in
their 50's and above. The younger guys almost always make a point of saying
what smart or sassy thing in my ad caught their attention. Okay, let's be
honest - they're probably turned on by any woman who likes zombies. The point
is the younger guys actually pay a little attention before making their pitch.
The older guys, on the other hand, completely ignore everything I say in my ads
in favor of bitterly letting me know that men in the AARP still have needs.

The photos that came with these messages were so
creepy they inspired me to quit Match.com (the unofficial home of the dick pic
parade.) I know there are plenty of attractive, well groomed older men on
dating sites. I looked. I’m guessing those guys respect the broad parameters of
a woman’s profile and only email people who might agree to a date. Instead, before
I fled from Match.com I heard from a parade of elderly serial killers trolling
for women 20-30 years their junior.

I’m not exaggerating.

One of these guys had a profile pic that looked
disturbingly like Rasputin molesting a life sized Dora the Explorer doll. The
guys who claimed to look like Santa were obviously posing for the “after” shot
in an upcoming movie where police discover the north pole’s secret meth lab. A
webcam shot of a snarling retiree who forgot to put in his dentures had him
seductively posed in a room that belonged on “Hoarders.” These were angry,
elderly men who believed they damn well deserved a blowjob from a woman at
least half their age.

There's a whole lot of weird white male entitlement
going on here (let me once more stress the horror of the photos - this parade
of toothless, wild bearded, angry hoarders looked like they would happily peel
my skin off and use it to reupholster their motorized scooters), but after I
finished my 19th shower and could read their messages without trembling in fear
of the thought that they'd masturbated to my photos, I noticed some interesting
trends.

Pundits like to declare the youth of our nation can't
write. I beg to differ. No man under 30 has ever said I shouldn't expect good
grammar, spelling or punctuation. These old coots, on the other hand, take a
peculiar glee in telling me I'll never hear from anyone with decent writing
skills. Sorry, Rasputin, but in reality, the guys I hear from in their 20's are
mostly college educated, especially articulate, and very computer savvy. Stop
waving your canes and telling those boys to get off your lawn. They're great
guys.

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