Gestures
Hand gestures are also part of the vocabulary of body language. They, too, can be divided
into open gestures (positive responses) and closed or concealed gestures (negative
responses), except that their range is far more intricate and expressive. I should point
out that individual gestures, just like the individual words on this page, don't say
much. Only when you're presented with more than one gesture, perhaps combined with an
expression and topped off with some overall body language, can you deduce that a
particular clenched fist means “Wow, my horse came in first!” and not “I'm so mad I want
to slap him!”
A similar set of differences occurs in body language above the neck. The open face smiles,
makes eye contact, gives feedback, shows curiosity and raises the eyebrows to show
interest. In a casual encounter, a quick look and a lowering of the eyes says, “I trust
you. I'm not afraid of you.” A prolonged look strengthens the positive signal. In
conversation, we may use a nod of the head at the end of a statement to indicate that an
answer is expected.
In contrast, the closed face frowns, purses the lips and avoids eye contact. And there is
yet another negative category to add to facial responses. We politely call it the
neutral, or expressionless, face. It's the one that just gawks at you like a dead trout.
In the next chapter,
you'll find out how to react to this “non-face,” which can be very disconcerting if you
don't know how to deal with it.
Frequently I look around at my audiences and recognize people who have heard me talk
before. I recognize them because they have “the look of recognition” on their face when
they see me. It's a look, or even an attitude, of silent anticipation that any minute
I'll recognize them. Well, this look can work wondersfrom time to timewith people you
haven't met before. If you're on your own, try it out right now. Let your mouth open
slightly in a smile as your eyebrows arch and your head tilts back a little with
anticipation as you look directly at an imaginary person. A variation is to tilt your head
as you look slightly away and then look back at the person with the bare minimum of a
frown and/or pursed lips. Practice. Then give it a try. Be as subtle as you possibly can.
Last spring, I rented a bus for my daughter and her friends to be chauffeured around in on
the night of their prom. While I was paying at the rental office, I noticed a woman
sitting at the next desk over. She had a look on her face that said she knew me, and I
racked my brain to place her. I couldn't.
In the end I had to say, “I'm sorry, but have we met before?”
“No,” she replied seriously. Then she stood up at her
Classic flirting behavior involves letting someone know you like him or her and that you'd
like to pursue it further. Not surprisingly, body language plays a huge part in this game, and even less surprisingly, so does eye contact. Dozens of little gestures are
used to send out sexual messages: the tilt of the head, holding eye contact a little
longer than normal, the angle of the hips and the hands through the hair. Glancing
sideways is a gesture that can suggest doubt on its own, but combined with a slight
smile and a narrowing of the eyes it is a powerful gesture of flirtation.
A man sends out signals with his swagger; a woman, by rolling her hips. A man loosens his
tie ever so slightly; a woman moistens her lips. On and on, the parties convey their
interest in each other through their stances, glances and postures until some small
gesture synchronizes and sends the O.K.
desk, held out her hand to me and smiled. “Hi, I'm Natalie,” she said.
I had been obliged to speak first, and she had done the polite thing. She had stood up,
offered her hand, smiled and introduced herself. All completely innocent or was it? I have
no idea. But we had rapport,