well-being of its center of feeling,
mood and emotionyour heart.
Volumes have been written about body language, but when all is said and done, this form of communication can be broken down into two rather broad categories: open and closed. Open body language
exposes the heart, while closed body language defends or protects it. In establishing
rapport, we can also think in terms of inclusive gestures and noninclusive gestures.
How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Open Body Language
Open body language exposes your heart and body (within limits of decency, of course!) and
signals cooperation, agreement, willingness, enthusiasm and approval. These gestures are
meant to be seen. They show trust. They say “YES!”
Your body doesn't know how to lie. Unconsciously, with no directions from you, it
transmits your thoughts and feelings in a language of its own to the bodies of other
people, and these bodies understand the language perfectly. Any contradictions in the
language can interrupt the development of rapport.
In his classic work How to Read a Person like a Book, Gerard I. Nierenberg explains the value of open gestures. These gestures include open
hands and uncrossed arms as well as the occasional subtle movement toward the other person
that says “I am with you” and shows acceptance: an open coat or jacket, for example, both literally and symbolically exposes the heart. When used together, such gestures say
“Things are going well.”
Positive, open-body gestures reach out to others. These gestures are generally slow and
deliberate. When an open person makes contact with the heart of another person, a strong
connection is made and trust becomes possible. (You know the feeling of a good hug? Or a
heart-to-heart talk?)
When you meet someone new, immediately point your heart warmly at that person's
heart. There is magic in this.
Other common open gestures include standing with your hands on your hips and your feet
apart, a stance that shows enthusiasm and willingness, and moving forward in your chair
(if accompanied by other open gestures). Leaning forward shows interest, and uncrossing
your arms or legs signals you are open to suggestions.
How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
Closed Body Language
Defensiveness is shown through gestures that protect the body and defend the heart. These
gestures suggest resistance, frustration, anxiety, stubbornness, nervousness and
impatience. They are negative gestures, and they say “NO!”
Crossed arms are common to all manifestations of defensiveness. They hide the heart and
defend one's feelings. Although you can also be relatively relaxed with your arms crossed,
the difference between a relaxed crossed-arm position and a defensive crossedarm
position is in the accompanying gestures. For example, are your arms loosely folded or
pressed close to your body? Are your hands clenched or open?
Defensive gestures are often fast and evasive and beyond your conscious control. Your body
has a mind of its own and is ruled by your attitude, useful or useless. In addition to
crossed arms, the most obvious defensive gestures are avoiding eye contact with the other
person and turning your body sideways. Fidgeting is another negative gesture, which can
also show impatience or nervousness.
Right away, you can see the difference between a person who faces you squarely and
honestly, and someone who stands sideways to you with crossed arms and hunched shoulders
while the two of you talk. In the first instance, the person is openly pointing his heart
directly at your heart. In the second, the posture is defensive; the person is pointing
his heart away from you and protecting it. One is being open with you, the other closed.
Being in the presence of these two postures produces very different feelings.
How to Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less
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