several minutes she waited. She heard the sound of a printer in the next room then the doctor returned with a pamphlet that he gave to her. "Here," he said. "All this time we've been here I've been examining you with special new experimental equipment that I am not at liberty to discuss but believe me in all confidence – I am a doctor – that in my examination I've uncovered some unfortunate information. Please sit down."
"I am sitting down," she said.
"Of course you are, just a matter of expression, ha ha ha, now, what I have to tell you is no laughing matter for it concerns your health which is serious business for if you have not enough health you may have a little death and I don't mean in the French way but in the dead way – I knew him Horatio, et cetera – and that goes a long way, so let us be serious for a moment. You have no doubt heard of swine flu the mysterious which devastated one world already and now promises to conquer another – I don't mean that it has spoken or issued threats but that things are afoot which may affect us all for generations to come. Well, even in the wake of this terrible malady we face a new cousin threat comingling the nigh-deadly AIDS disease with – yes, with – swine flu to carry a new threat to the stars. And here is where this pamphlet comes in. You may read it now."
"Can 't you just tell me? I'm not much of a reader."
"No, no," he said. "I'd like your thoughts on it. Just read."
She read it.
THE FAQS OF SWINE-AIDS:
How It Affects You, Your Family, & Loved Ones
Q: What is SWINE-AIDS?
A: SWINE-AIDS is a next-generation super-disease you may soon acquire as an early-adopter and intrepid soul in the world of microbiology. You.
Q: Who is responsible?
A: While it behooves us to act maturely and not aim cloven fingers etc etc, we can blame our Hispanic friends to the south.
Q: Why did the Mexico do this to us?
A: Bitterness, jealousy, spite, rage? Who can explain anything in the world of epidemic disease-war politics?
Q: Explain it to me like I'm a five-year-old. Should I, for instance, stop eating pork?
A: That is totally optional at this point in time.
Q: Should I stop my square dancing lessons?
A: Yes.
Q: Explain it to me like I'm a two-year-old. What are the "cons" of SWINE-AIDS?
A: There is the possibility of death in 43% of the infected.
Q: That sounds bad.
A: Perhaps. But contrast this with the uninfected. 100% of them are one day guaranteed to die.
Q: I don't understand. Explain it to me like I'm six months old.
A: SWINE-AIDS has a 43% mortality rate. A simple mathematical calculation and some logic and you'll see that SWINE-AIDS must have a 57% immortality rate. So if you get SWINE-AIDS there's a good chance you may live forever.
Q: Cool! Are there any other benefits to SWINE-AIDS?
A: Great question, I'm glad you asked. How about… pig-like superpowers?
Q: Wow! Such as?
A: Like the ability to grow hair in new places on your skin at will . Or what about vocoder-like effects from all apertures and cavities on your body? Or what about the ability to be jocular with and masticate your own ordure?
Q: That sounds awesome. What's ordure?
A: And if that's not enough, how about… ESP with pigs?!
Q: Neat! Which is coolest: swine flu, AIDS, or SWINE-AIDS?
A: What, are you stupid or something? Didn't I just tell you about all the great benefits of SWINE-AIDS? Why would you settle for a mediocre disease? If you're still not sure, ask yourself which has the most potential for HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER?
Q: Which? AIDS?
A: Oh come on. Remember Philadelphia ? Zzzz.
Q: Perhaps swine flu then?
A: Yeah, pigs and vomit. That sounds sexy.
Q: Okay, so when can we expect a major SWINE-AIDS motion picture?
A: Some sources say by year's end.
Q: You mean this year? Cool! Who will direct it?
A: Although it's a bit early to say, insiders hint the director has the initials "S.S."
Q: !
A: !
Q: Who will star in this megablockbuster?
A: Do you remember Aladdin
"I am sitting down," she said.
"Of course you are, just a matter of expression, ha ha ha, now, what I have to tell you is no laughing matter for it concerns your health which is serious business for if you have not enough health you may have a little death and I don't mean in the French way but in the dead way – I knew him Horatio, et cetera – and that goes a long way, so let us be serious for a moment. You have no doubt heard of swine flu the mysterious which devastated one world already and now promises to conquer another – I don't mean that it has spoken or issued threats but that things are afoot which may affect us all for generations to come. Well, even in the wake of this terrible malady we face a new cousin threat comingling the nigh-deadly AIDS disease with – yes, with – swine flu to carry a new threat to the stars. And here is where this pamphlet comes in. You may read it now."
"Can 't you just tell me? I'm not much of a reader."
"No, no," he said. "I'd like your thoughts on it. Just read."
She read it.
THE FAQS OF SWINE-AIDS:
How It Affects You, Your Family, & Loved Ones
Q: What is SWINE-AIDS?
A: SWINE-AIDS is a next-generation super-disease you may soon acquire as an early-adopter and intrepid soul in the world of microbiology. You.
Q: Who is responsible?
A: While it behooves us to act maturely and not aim cloven fingers etc etc, we can blame our Hispanic friends to the south.
Q: Why did the Mexico do this to us?
A: Bitterness, jealousy, spite, rage? Who can explain anything in the world of epidemic disease-war politics?
Q: Explain it to me like I'm a five-year-old. Should I, for instance, stop eating pork?
A: That is totally optional at this point in time.
Q: Should I stop my square dancing lessons?
A: Yes.
Q: Explain it to me like I'm a two-year-old. What are the "cons" of SWINE-AIDS?
A: There is the possibility of death in 43% of the infected.
Q: That sounds bad.
A: Perhaps. But contrast this with the uninfected. 100% of them are one day guaranteed to die.
Q: I don't understand. Explain it to me like I'm six months old.
A: SWINE-AIDS has a 43% mortality rate. A simple mathematical calculation and some logic and you'll see that SWINE-AIDS must have a 57% immortality rate. So if you get SWINE-AIDS there's a good chance you may live forever.
Q: Cool! Are there any other benefits to SWINE-AIDS?
A: Great question, I'm glad you asked. How about… pig-like superpowers?
Q: Wow! Such as?
A: Like the ability to grow hair in new places on your skin at will . Or what about vocoder-like effects from all apertures and cavities on your body? Or what about the ability to be jocular with and masticate your own ordure?
Q: That sounds awesome. What's ordure?
A: And if that's not enough, how about… ESP with pigs?!
Q: Neat! Which is coolest: swine flu, AIDS, or SWINE-AIDS?
A: What, are you stupid or something? Didn't I just tell you about all the great benefits of SWINE-AIDS? Why would you settle for a mediocre disease? If you're still not sure, ask yourself which has the most potential for HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER?
Q: Which? AIDS?
A: Oh come on. Remember Philadelphia ? Zzzz.
Q: Perhaps swine flu then?
A: Yeah, pigs and vomit. That sounds sexy.
Q: Okay, so when can we expect a major SWINE-AIDS motion picture?
A: Some sources say by year's end.
Q: You mean this year? Cool! Who will direct it?
A: Although it's a bit early to say, insiders hint the director has the initials "S.S."
Q: !
A: !
Q: Who will star in this megablockbuster?
A: Do you remember Aladdin
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