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?
    Q: No, what is that?
    A: An animated feature film about a poverty-drenched Muslim boy/man and his infatuation with a high-class princess beyond his reach until he discovers a metal ornament and a magical being who temporarily destroys his filth status to allow the princess to see his inner fiber and permit love to bloom in the desert.
    Q: Awww. If you were to write a poem about that, how would it go?
    A: Like this:
    Sweet jasmine blossom
    Of the desert night,
    Rightly skin-exposed in the
    Torpid Arab dust,
    And I see you bend and
    Hover like a cracking dawn,
    Olfactory tumescence,
    Raging packets of liquid warm
    Nougats and laser friction:
    Yours truly, Aladdin.
    Q: That's so sweet. But explain it to me like I was just born five minutes ago: Who will star in the SWINE-AIDS megablockbuster?
    A: Oh, Gilbert Gottfried.
    Q: Who…?
    A: The voice of the evil parrot in Aladdin .
    Q: Oh. Who will Gilbert Gottfried portray in this chronicle of SWINE-AIDS?
    A: He will be the HIV-positive gentleman who copulates with a swine-flu-positive pig to create the first case of… SWINE-AIDS.
    Q: That sounds scientific and technical. Will the average "joe" be able to follow this epic narrative with little or no difficulty?
    A: Absolutely. The screenwriters are working closely with Sergio Simpatico to ensure both narrative clarity and all the educative girth of a college biology course. A really good college.
    Q: Who is Sergio Simpatico?
    A: Whoops! In my glee in describing the SWINE-AIDS motion picture I accidentally slipped the director's name!
    Q: Yeah, but I think you meant to slip it as part of a viral marketing campaign or something. Anyway, I thought you meant Stephen Spielberg when you said the director's initials are S.S.
    A: Spielberg? [laughter] Sure, they could have got him, but why settle for second best?
    Q: Are you somehow financially involved with this film? Explain it to me like I'm still in my mother's womb.
    A: It's just gonna be a really great film. You don't have to get snotty about it.
    Q: I've never heard of Sergio Simpatico.
    A: I am not responsible for your lack of education.
    Q: What is the standard medical treatment for SWINE-AIDS?
    A: Using the latest in microabrasion and fluorinated spongeform technologies, a trained and competent specialist can purify the oral, vaginal, and anal cavities within one to five hours.
    Q: Is treatment painful? Explain it to me like I haven't even been conceived and have only the vaguest notions about pleasure and pain.
    A: Treatment is rarely painful. Many even describe it as pleasurable.
    Q: Wow, I'm tempted to get SWINE-AIDS just to try the treatment!
    A: [laughter]
    Q: One last question.
    A: Yes?
    Q: Train A is heading to Mexico City from Anchorage at 80 miles per hour. Train B is heading to Mexico City from Havana at 1,080 miles per hour. Which train will arrive first?
    A: You really need me to solve this for you?
    Q: I'm not very good at math.
    A: Doesn't matter: It's a trick question! Nobody wants to go to Mexico right now, dummy. Remember SWINE-AIDS, the subject of this enjoyable and award-winning pamphlet? See your doctor if you're scared. God bless.

    She put the pamphlet down. "I don't understand," she said. "Are you saying I…?"
    "I 'm afraid so, madam," said Dr. Jew. "You have all the symptoms of Swine-AIDS, yes, you, right here and now, no, no, no, no, don't ask Why me, why me, why did this happen to me . No one is to blame – except Mexico – so it's best to move forward smiling in to the bold unknown with God and me on your side knowing we can beat this and how wonderful that you came to my office today of days of all days for if you had compounded just one day more the interest may have been too much for your tortured soul but don't look back in anger for life is a feast and we are here to eat."
    "But I feel fine," she said.
    "Which is why I am the doctor and you are the civilian, why one of us has braved years of isolation and parochial liturgy and sadness and