sit anywhere you like. How about something to drink? Water or tea?â
She shakes her head and drops onto the couch. Something in the middle of her face catches the overhead light and glittersâa tiny green nose piercing, I realize, a pinprick of color on her sallow face, like the distant beam of a lighthouse in a sea of fog. Underneath her hard expression, sadness looms, irrepressible.
âMy dog is gone,â she says, staring at the floor. Her voice is flat, affectless.
My heart contracts. Itâs a knee-jerk reaction. All of my patients have lost their dogs; thatâs why they come to me. Still, every time I hear the words, the hard thorn of loss draws blood.
I sit down across the coffee table from her and tell her how sorry I am. Sheâs boring holes into the carpet with her eyes, so I direct my words to the milky, jagged line of skin exposed by the part in her hair. âWould you like to tell me about him?â I ask. âWhat kind of dog was he?â
âNo.â Anyaâs lips clip the word but she still doesnât look up. She begins unzipping and zipping her jacket, the motion electric with a fierce sort of frustration.
Already, I can see how a dog must have been good for someone with her uneven swings of energy, how the schedule and activity of the care and feeding and walking of a dog might have helped to balance her. Even petting a dog can lower your heart rate, producing endorphins that mirror the effects of antidepressants and pain medication. Itâs just one of many reasons why some people take the death of a pet so hard. Another of my patients recently compared the experience to being cut off from Prozac.
The word ânoâ still hangs in the air.
âWe donât have to talk about your dog,â I say. Some patients canât contain their emotionsâanger and anguish and even laughter bubble up and out of them as urgently as water gushing from a broken hydrant. Others need time, encouragement, or sometimes silence before they can begin. âWe could start by talking about something else.â
At this, she finally looks up. Her eyes are a murky shade of green, the color of plant life at the bottom of a lake. âNo,â she says again. âBilly isnât dead. Heâs just . . . gone. Iâm only here because my brother Henry blackmailed me into coming.â
I glance down at the open notebook on my lap. At the top of the page Iâd written Anyaâs name. Below this Iâd written: Brother â Henry . Now I add: Dog â Billy .
Iâve never had a patient with a missing dog, let alone one who claimed to have been blackmailed into seeing me. The relationship between each patient and his or her dog is unique and the symptoms of grief vary, but the fact that the dog is dead has always been the same.
âHow long has Billy been gone?â I ask.
âTwenty-four days.â
I write this down. âHow awful. Can I ask what happened?â
When Anya begins moving the zipper of her coat up and down again, I notice that the outline of an old-fashioned camera is tattooed on the top of her right hand. Inwardly, I wince; it strikes me as a particularly painful place to pierce repeatedly with a needle.
âWhat good is talking about it going to do?â she asks. Her voice is losing its flat affect now, splintering into hard, jagged pieces. âI just want to find him.â Then, before I have a chance torespond, she leans toward me, eyes darkening. âLet me ask you something, Doctorââ
âOh, please call me Maggie. Iâm notââ
Anya interrupts before I can remind her that Iâm a bereavement counselor, not a doctor.
âMaggie.â She says my name the way I imagine she would say the words âday spaâ or âdecaf.â âDo you have a dog?â
I only hesitate for a moment, but in that moment I see her eyes flick back and forth between mine, a spark of interest