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was that she hated falling out with anyone, and the trouble with Allie was that no one liked to upset her.
    Allie knew both these vital facts.
    Well, so far as I knew she wasn’t getting into trouble: not on the internet, anyway. I came into the room and stood behind her, watching the screen, but right now all she was reading was a rugby website.
    Rugby, of course, was Aidan’s big thing.
    My heart hurt my ribs, it was beating so furiously. I was going to have to say something or explode. Orla, I thought. It’s all for Orla.
    â€˜He’s not here, Allie,’ I said.
    â€˜What?’ She didn’t turn.
    â€˜He’s not here. Aidan. He isn’t here, OK? Stop it.’
    She gave a patient sigh. ‘Of course he isn’t.’
    I was silent for a few seconds. ‘He isn’t?’
    â€˜No. He’s downstairs. He wanted to see his mum.’
    I should have known better than to hope. I sat on her bed and put my head in my hands, rubbing my scalpferociously. I wanted to cry and I wanted to laugh. Mostly I wanted to cry. ‘Please stop this,’ I said again. ‘Please.’
    â€˜It’s not up to me,’ said Allie. Her pale face glowed blue and eerie, dark eyes steadily reflecting the screen. I couldn’t even see her blink.
    â€˜How do you think his mother feels?’
    Her white knuckles tensed on the mouse, but calmly she said, ‘I don’t think. I know.’
    It scared me, the way Allie never lost her temper. ‘It hurts her, you pretending he’s still there.’
    â€˜I’m not pretending.’
    I ignored that. ‘She’s really upset. So’s Orla.’
    â€˜Oh,’ said Allie. ‘Orla. So that’s it.’
    I could have hit her, then, for the smug little smile on the side of her face. Curling my fingers into tight fists, I snapped, ‘It’s a hideous thing to do. You’re hurting everybody else to make yourself feel better. You’re only thinking about yourself and it’s bloody selfish.’
    The desktop went over to screensaver, a bleak desertscape, so she couldn’t have moved the mouse for a while. In the window behind her desk I could see her face reflected, lit by the screen, her mouth sulky, eyes gleaming with the tears that spilled down her face.
    â€˜I know you miss him,’ I said.
    â€˜I don’t miss him.’ Her voice was perfectly steady. ‘He’s still here.’
    I got up and stormed out then, I couldn’t help it. I stood outside her room fuming and trying not to worry, whichis quite a hard combination, but I couldn’t face going downstairs yet. I wanted Aidan’s mother to leave first so I wouldn’t have to admit I’d failed.
    Mind you, I don’t know what I was supposed to achieve when the professionals had been dismal failures. Allie told them what they wanted to hear – something she was good at – and went home from every appointment still attached to Aidan’s invisible hip. I was sick of not challenging her. Angry, too. I suppose I thought one day I’d just say ‘Stop it’ and because she was my little sister and I loved her, she would stop it, just for me.
    It hadn’t happened yet. Much as I loved her, that did make me wonder if she loved me back. If she still loved me, I thought sometimes, aching with self-pity and righteous indignation, she’d give up Aidan – who didn’t after all exist – so that I could have Orla, who did.
    I don’t know how the mothers were managing the awkward pause till I reappeared. They’d never been particular friends and Mrs Mahon was here only to try to sort out Allie. Maybe she was desperately killing time till she finished her tea and her half-melted biscuit. I got the feeling that’s what she did with a lot of her time. Tried desperately to kill it.
    I toed open the door of Lola Nan’s bedroom. She was perched on the edge of her bed, tensed like a