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finished
year 11 and started to work on year 12, but I was
already working full-time, with longer hours and bigger
responsibilities, so I decided I couldn't handle the correspondence
courses any more and, perhaps regrettably,
I stopped.
    I took other classes, in an effort to sustain my sense
of purpose. These included a whole variety of things,
such as voice lessons, singing, acting and modelling,
but I always got distracted with working or partying. I
took a course in Swedish massage and almost completed
that, but the idiot who taught it was a pervert who kept
trying to get us all to go topless so he could teach us
how to massage the chest, with no towel covering or
anything. I knew what he was up to and, strange as it
might seem now, given what I do for a living, I refused
to take my top off .
    And I was the only one who refused. He claimed it
was a requirement to get my certificate, so I said, 'Fuck
you!' and walked out. I've since practised my massage
techniques on many guys and have nothing but good
reports, so I hope he's reading this now!
    About a year later, I joined Nutrimetics, a cosmetics
company that was kind of like Avon, and that led
to a course in beauty and make-up. I learned all about
facials, pedicures and make-up application, and I ended
up selling cosmetics on the side, and doing really well
out of it. I hosted quite a few parties where I would either
do facials or make-up and it was fun for a while, but
bugging people and suffering their frequent rejection in
the search for a sale was not for me, so I eventually gave
that up.
    I took courses in small-business management and
Italian, and graduated from both with flying colours.
I spoke very good Italian, too. (' Buongiorno. Che bella gionarta. Come stai? ') I learned to write a business plan
and found an investor to start my own clothing store,
but that plan fell by the wayside for reasons coming up
in the next chapter.
    While at CBA Futures, I also did a course in futures
broking and trading. I can't believe I actually learned
about bond formulas, since I'd been kicked out of maths
class every day in high school for being a smartass!
I discovered that I was really good at foreign-exchange
and futures calculations, from just learning on the job.
    But my Pisces nature always got in the way of my
advancement. I was always ready for a good time,
instead of slogging away at a job or anything else. One
of the absolute highlights of my time in Sydney was
when the United States Navy came to town. My girlfriends
and I had a blast for six days straight, hooking
up with the sailors with their sexy white uniforms and
those accents, and they were so sweet, too. I even got to
go on the USS Independence , and for a little while afterwards
one of the sailors and I stayed in touch.
    In my corporate-finance years, I did have three sexual
encounters with co-workers (though only three in six
years makes me fairly innocent, if I may so humbly
declare) – and one of them took place right on top of my
desk at the Lloyds Bank offices in the Governor Phillip
Tower, after hours.
    It sounds like the kind of thing that people read in
the pages of Penthouse Forum , but it actually happened
to me. I was out on the town, having drinks with my
co-workers at one of the many inter-office functions
we attended. We were all very drunk, and I ended up
dancing pretty hot and heavy with this one guy I worked
with, who sat at a desk very close to mine. We both
had after-hours access to the office on the 47th floor,
so after the party ended we went up to the office and
ended up fucking on my desk. Sex above the city – it
was so hot!
    The next day when he came into work, he looked over
and winked at me. We started seeing each other after
that, but he decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend
(I always seem to get the guys who are still stuck on their
exes), which made things weird between us for a while.
We didn't speak to each other, and then the separation
became permanent when Lloyds Bank