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option,
and the exchange rate at the time was about three to
one, so any money I earned would be worth triple the
amount in Australia. I guess, too, I was looking for some
sort of escape. I was always trying to run away from
something, which inevitably turned out to be myself.
    When the tour ended and I got back to London, then,
I moved in with my grandmother in Eltham. She was
my mum's mum, and she was dying from breast cancer.
Granddad had passed away years ago, and I'd only
met them both twice, when they'd come to visit us in
Australia. Now, I would have the chance to get to know
my grandmother a bit better.
    Being based in the UK meant I would also be able to
visit my great-aunt and uncle and a bunch of cousins in
Wales, whom I'd never met before. Despite my feelings
about my mother, I have always identified very strongly
with my Welsh heritage. Some of my relations were in
the south, in Cardiff , and others way up north in Blaenau
Fastening, Gwent (that's Blaenau Ffestiniog, Gwynedd,
to the locals), where there's pretty much nothing
around for miles but the slate mountains of Snowdonia.
I couldn't wait to see them and to see a bit of the country,
so I headed over there after about a week in Eltham.
    Sadly, it turned out to be very awkward meeting these
relatives, because they were from my mother's side of
the family and I got the feeling that they didn't really
talk to her or know much about her. It was more that
they were close to my grandmother.
    When I was there, everyone spoke Welsh in front of
me, knowing full well that I couldn't understand it, and
it seemed that my cousins didn't care to get to know me.
(After all, they were living up there compared with me
growing up in Australia, so I suspect they were rather
resentful of me!)
    Being in northern Wales was a cool experience,
though, because it seemed as if time had stood still.
Today, Blaenau has a population of just under 5000
and is very dependent on tourism (thanks to the nearby
Snowdonia National Park), since the slate-mining
industry has been in decline for years.
    I also travelled to Norwich in England, to see my
aunt, my uncle and my cousins, who were all really
cool people. My aunt, who is my mum's sister, was so
nice and caring and polite, very sincere. It was amazing
to see how she turned out, considering how my
mother was.
    Back in Eltham, I did my bit around the house by
taking care of my grandmother, cleaning up and doing
all the shopping and cooking. I sprayed ice on her sore
muscles and helped her to get up and down the stairs.
At the same time, I was very busy looking for work,
visiting employment agencies and checking online and
in the papers. I spent my free time making calls, attending
interviews and going to internet cafes.
    But it turned out that the things my mum had told
me about my grandmother were true, and she was even
crueller than my mother. It made me realise what a
terrible time of it my mum must have had growing up
with her. She would talk on the phone to her friends and
relatives in Welsh, and I could tell from her tone that
she was slagging me off . Every now and then she would
break into English and I would overhear her saying that
I was always on the phone and on the internet and that I
wasn't working. (Well, I was trying to find a fucking
job, that's why!) I couldn't believe she could do that,
after all I did for her. Before even a month was up, she
had kicked me out on the street.
    In desperation, I got a job as a bartender in Hammersmith,
but I lasted for only a week. I couldn't stand the
12-hour shift s with barely any breaks and I had to share
a crappy little room with another girl. But then I was
offered a job in International Petroleum Exchange (IPE)
Broking at Salomon Smith Barney, and I told the bar
manager I was giving him notice. He reacted by kicking
me out too.
    What the fuck was going on? It was a recurring pattern
in my life – everyone seemed to leave me stranded!
    Luckily, I had a friend from Australia,