Read Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology for Free Online Page A

you know what would make a boar even better?
    GOLD.
    GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
    I AM A DWARF AND I COVERED THIS FUCKING BOAR IN GOLD.”
    Okay, look, guys, I am just telling the story.
    It is not fair to apply our modern conception of racism to a bygone past, okay?
    I forget what the term for that is, but don’t do it.
    Anyway the filthy dwarves still need to make two more things
    so Brokk decides to cut out the middleman and just put some gold directly on his forge
    and he’s like “Hey, Eiti remember what you did with the boar?
    Just do exactly that, because it is totally crucial.”
    so Eiti starts working the bellows and lo and behold
    the same fucking fly shows up and bites him on his NECK
    but Eiti just toughs it out and keeps on pumpin’
    and Brokk finishes the thing he was making and brings it out to Loki
    like “Check this gold ring I made.
    I call it Draupnir.
    But see the thing is, this is just one gold ring.
    Do you think that is enough gold? I don’t think that is enough gold
    so what I made it do, is every ninth night
    it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS.
    There will be SO MANY RINGS.
    I can melt them down for their gold
    and use them to make more rings
    that drop out MORE RINGS.
    I HAVE CREATED INFINITE GOLD.
    This is the dream of every dwarf, because we love gold so much.
    Did you know we invented rings so we could have sex with gold?”
    Okay, okay, hold on, guys.
    If you have any dwarf friends
    maybe you should just have them not read this myth
    if they have read this far it is already too late
    we’re pretty much done with the gold part and you have lost a friend.
    Anyway, then Brokk puts a big-ass chunk of iron on the forge
    And Eiti starts pumping that bellows
    and then this SAME FUCKING FLY comes back and bites his eyelids. His EYELIDS.
    But Eiti still just keeps on pumping
    until blood from the gaping wounds this fly has inflicted trickles down into his eye
    and he takes one hand off the bellows to wipe away all the blood
    and the bellows stops and everything is RUINED.
    It was supposed to be a hammer called Mjolnir
    but now it is a hammer called Mjolnir WITH A KINDA SHORT HANDLE
    and Brokk is like “Dang maybe I won’t get Loki’s head after all.”
    But he still bundles up all the shit and takes it to Asgard because quitting is for pussies.
    And in Asgard all the gods are like “HOLY DAMN
    YOU MADE A RING THAT SHITS OUT MORE RINGS.
    YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DWARF TO APPRECIATE INFINIGOLD.
    Oh, and the boar is pretty nice too.
    It could use more gold, maybe.”
    And then Thor is like “Guys, this hammer is so sweet. It hits anything I throw it at
    and then it always comes back to my hand.
    I mean the handle is a little bit short but that doesn’t keep it from NEVER MISSING.
    Guys, do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?
    This is the best Norse Christmas EVER.”
    and Brokk is like “Looks like I won the bet, Loki
    I am going to dip your head in gold and then probably fuck it.
    That’s what I do, because I’m a dwarf.”
    Look, I lied when I said the gold part was over.
    If you had your dwarf friend just keep reading because you thought the damage was done
    then I am really sorry, man
    but you need taller friends.
    So Loki starts running as fast as he can
    but Thor just got that hammer that can hit anything 100 percent of the time
    so he just kind of knocks Loki out and brings him back
    and Loki is like “WAIT
    I promised you my head but I never promised you the neck it rests on!
    So you can’t cut it off. HAH.”
    So Brokk just sews Loki’s mouth shut instead
    which is probably the best thing for everybody.
    So what we have learned today
    is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts
    so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends
    no matter how short they are, or how bad they smell
    or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings
    and licking their lips.
    But that’s not the last wacky plan the gods come up with to avoid paying for shit . . .

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