Read Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology for Free Online

blood
    does not mean they are finished defiling his corpse
    because the next thing they do
    is they chuck his brains into the air
    and they become CLOUDS.
    Did you think clouds were beautiful fluffy collections of water vapor?
    WRONG, ASSHOLE.
    BRAAAAINS.
    Then they make the stars out of all the sparks coming out of Muspell
    and give all the land along the coast to the giants
    I guess to say sorry for murdering Ymir and building a world out of his corpse.
    But the giants are still pissed
    and Odin is like “I need a fort to protect myself from all these giants.
    What will I build it out of?
    Oh, I know
    EYEBROWS.”
    The fort he builds becomes a safe haven for all the humans, called Midgard.
    Also, they drag Ymir’s corpse over Ginnungagap
    And Odin makes a place called Asgard
    using surprisingly few of Ymir’s body parts
    and he lives there with his wife, Frigga
    and is startlingly faithful to her
    and fathers all the other gods, who are called the Aesir.
    So the moral of THIS story
    is that we need to invent space travel with a quickness
    because all of Ymir’s body parts are about to get REAL ripe, REAL fast.

T HOR G ETS H AMMERED
    When Odin finally gets done making the world
    and settles down to get busy with his wife, Frigga
    the first radical dude to get born is named Thor.
    Thor is pretty much the baddest motherfucker you will ever lay eyes on.
    In fact, if you ever laid eyes on him
    he would probably walk up to you and DESTROY YOUR EYES WITH HIS HAMMER.
    Thor’s hammer is called Mjolnir and it was made like so:
    So Loki (the god of being a needless prick all the time)
    sneaks up on Thor’s wife, Sif, one day
    and shaves off all of her hair like he’s one of the guys on
Jackass
or something
    and Thor really loves hair, I guess
    so he gets SUPER ANGRY and he chases down Loki and is like “Hey
    how about I cut off all your FACE?!”
    and Loki is like “But I need my face for making infuriating smirks with!”
    And Thor is like “Well, how about . . . I just break every bone in your body?”
    and Loki is like “No, I need those too.
    How ’bout instead I have the dwarves make your wife some
new
hair?
    it will be made of GOLD and it will grow like NORMAL HAIR.”
    and Thor is like “AWESOME.”
    So Loki goes to these dwarves
    like “Guys, I sorta promised Thor that you would make his wife the ultimate toupee.”
    And the dwarves are like “Sure, no problem.
    Do you want us to make it out of gold
    or DOUBLE GOLD?
    We REALLY FUCKING LIKE GOLD because we are DWARVES.”
    Hey, by the way I’m sorry if I’m being racist against dwarves
    but that is just how dwarves are, okay?
    Some of my best friends are dwarves.
    Anyway, Loki is like “Regular gold is fine”
    and the dwarves are like “Okay, okay
    well, how about we also make you a boat called
Skidbladnir
    which can fit all your friends and all your treasure
    and always has wind in the sails
    and can be folded up and put in your pocket when not in use
    and how about we also make Odin a spear
    scratch that, an UNSTOPPABLE spear.”
    and Loki’s like “Damn.
    All WE ever did for YOU GUYS was make you hold up the sky for forever.”
    So Loki brings all this sweet loot back to the gods
    and then he gets this great idea
    which is to bet the dwarves that they can’t make three more EVEN BETTER treasures
    FOR FREE.
    But he doesn’t have much cash on him, so instead he just bets them his HEAD.
    And these dwarves named Brokk and Eiti take the deal
    because it’s not like they have to bet anything themselves
    and they go to the forge
    and Brokk pulls out this big-ass boar skin and he is like “Okay, Eiti.
    It is completely crucial that you crank the bellows
constantly
.”
    so Eiti starts doin’ it
    and pretty soon a big-ass fly lands on his hand and stings the shit out of it
    but Eiti does not care. He is going crazy with that bellows.
    and Brokk makes what he was trying to make.
    He brings it to Loki and is like “Okay so we all love boars, right?
    But