Read X-Treme Latin: Lingua Latina Extrema for Free Online Page A

auxiliatores nostri nunc emptores alios furiant
    All of our representatives are currently driving other customers crazy
    Necesse tibi est morari circa tres dies et dimidiam
    Your approximate waiting time is three and one-half days
    Preme gullulam primam uti musicam molestam audias
    Press one to hear irritating music
    Preme secundam ut sonum funis occupati audias
    Press two to hear a busy signal
    Preme tertiam uti tinnitum sempiternum lineae vacuae audias
    Press three for the endless ringing of a non-working extension
    Preme quartam uti statim disiungaris
    Press four to be immediately disconnected
    Sit iucundus tibi dies
    Have a nice day

Jury Duty—
OFFICIUM IUDICIALE
    I’m hopelessly prejudiced—everyone in this court looks like a criminal, including the judge
    Opinionem praeiudicatam immutabilem habeo—omnes in hac basilica mihi videri nefarios esse, praetore non excepto
    No fair! Just last month I served as a hooded judge on a secret military tribunal, but they made me promise not to tell.
    Iniquum est! Modo proximo mense officio iudicis cucullati functus sum in tribunali clandestino militari tamen coactus sum iurare me de eo taciturum.
    I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
    Iuro sollemniter me dicturum verum, totum verum, nihil praeter verum, ita me iuvet, iuvet Rhonda
    I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
    Credo me posse diiudicare utrum quis nocens an innocens sit modo eum spectando

    * I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help, help me Rhonda
    ** I think I can tell if someone is guilty just by looking at them
    *** If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?
    If it’s really, really close and the jury deadlocks, is it okay to flip a coin?
    Si lis valde dubia sit, sententiis iuratorum paribus, liceatne nos nummum iactare, “caput aut navem” enuntiantes?
    If the guy is obviously guilty, can we just skip the trial and send him straight to prison under early admission?
    Si reus manifesto sit in culpa, sitne fas nos quaestionem praetereuntes condemnatum in carcerem confestim conicere per admissionem subitariam?
    If the gloves don’t fit, do we have to acquit?
    Si digitalia non congruant manibus, sitne nobis necesse reum absolvere?
    Does the jury room have a minibar?
    Estne cubiculum deliberationis instructum cistula potionum spirituosarum?
    I believe the minimum award in civil cases should be one million dollars, but if you lose, you get the electric chair
    Mea sententia, causam privatam obtinenti ut minimum decies centena milia Ioachimicorum addici debent, at de perdente supplicium ultimum in electrica sella sumendum est
    I plan to find everyone not guilty by reason of I am extremely pissed off
    In animo mihi est, iracundiae meae maximae causa, quemque reum absolvere de crimine
    But in a larger sense, can any of us say that we are truly innocent?
    Quod autem ad res universas attinet, ecquis nostrum dicere potest se vere innocentem esse?
    No, no! It was me! It was me all along! I did it! I did it and I’m glad! Ha-ha, just kidding.
    Minime! Non est! Ego fui! Semper ego! Ego facinus feci! Atque gaudeo me fecisse! Hahahae! Tantummodo iocabar.

Stealth Latin—
SERMO LATINUS CLANDESTINUS
What you say in Latin
    What you say it means
What it really means
    Stupra fascino volanti torum pistrinum provolventem.
    You never cease to amaze me with your deeply insightful remarks.
    Go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.
    Quin futuis uxorem tuam foedam?
    Why doesn’t everyone recognize your genius?
    Why don’t you go screw your ugly wife?
    Velim caput tuum devellere deinde in confinium gulae cacare.
    I just want to tell you how much I appreciate your constructive criticism.
    I’d like to rip off your head and take a dump in the hole.
    Mande merdam et morere.
    Keep up the good work.
    Eat shit and die.
    Propudium parcissimum.
    I’ll get the check.
    You