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he said and let go of the child.
    ‘In a flash, in one bound,
from nowhere appeared Heathcliff, who caught the child. “Oh goodness,
gracious,” he said. “Von second more and that child would have gone
splat!”
    ‘Earnshaw went white with
fury, red with rage and purple with apoplexy, finally green with envy. “How
dare you stop my child going splat,” he raged and dribbled.
    ‘ “Did you vant him to
die?” said Heathcliff.
    ‘ “No,” said Earnshaw, “I
just wanted him to go splat. Can’t a decent man let his child go splat?”
    ‘I took the baby from
Heathcliff as half of it was over him. Earnshaw poured a measure of brandy.
“No!” I cried, grabbing the glass and drank it all to stop his drunken ways. He
drained the bottle, then went upstairs shouting that there would be some
changes made.
    ‘I was rocking Hareton on
my knee, humming a song that went: “Ee I addio — we are the champions.” Then
horror! down the stairs flaunted Mr Earnshaw, wearing a blonde lady’s wig, a
tight-fitting scarlet velvet dress, off-the-shoulder, white frilly trouser
drawers, silk stockings and mid-calf, button-up bootees.
    ‘ “Mr Earnshaw, that’s your
late wife’s dress.”
    ‘He laughed as he applied
powder and rouge to his face. “I said there’d be some changes made, this is one
of them.” He hummed the Blue Danube and danced around the room, then ran
out in the night towards the Black Bull Inn.
    ‘Where would it all end?
Supposing he met a sailor, who would do what to who and how? I must say he did
look lovely. I had resumed singing: “Ee I addio” when Cathy came in.
    ‘ “Where is Heathcliff?”
she asked.
    ‘ “He’s in the stable
shovelling dung,” I said.
    ‘She looked up with her
beautiful face and said, “There must be other things than dung in life, Nelly?”
I told her that Heathcliff’s ambition was for she and him to open a corner shop
in Leeds, till then he had to shovel dung.
    ‘ “Nelly, can you keep a
secret?”
    ‘Keep a secret, I thought,
wait till I tell her about Earnshaw ! I was still trying to get this
little bastard Hareton to sleep.
    ‘ “Today,” said Cathy,
“Edgar Linton asked me to marry him. He went down on one knee, so heavily he
could hardly carry on. He read the terms of the marriage contract, in the event
of a split we’d go fifty fifty. I’ll get the gas stove. As yet I have not said
yea or nay. Tell me, Nelly, what ought it to be?”
    ‘The baby let out a shriek.
“Quiet, baby darling,” I said, pouring the remains of the brandy down him.
“Cathy,” I said, “I can’t tell you yea or nay, that’s up to you.”
    ‘ “Well,” she said, “I love
the ground under his feet and the air over his head.” “That’s all very well,” I
said. “But what about him?”
    ‘Cathy stood up with a
triumphant smile, so saying she pirouetted and fell back on the floor, lying
there a while unconscious, her eyes slightly crossed. Eventually she came to
and admitted to me that she had accepted Edgar’s proposal of marriage. Then she
lowered her voice to a deep baritone, she did it by crossing her legs and pressing
hard with her right hand into her crotch. “It would have degraded me to marry
Heathcliff, so he will never know how much I loved him and his curries. He’s
more myself than I am.”
    ‘So I asked her who she
was. “What are souls made of, both our souls are the same,” she said.
    ‘ “So you both have the
same arsole?” I said.
    ‘I suddenly became aware of
Heathcliff’s presence — just a whiff of garlic, ghee and dung. He had heard all
Cathy had to say. He arose from his bench and went into the night; likewise he
went against the wall.
    ‘ “For this relief, much
thanks, Horatio,” 11 he said as he shook the drips off. I told Cathy that when Heathcliff hears of
her forthcoming marriage, he will be a broken man.
    ‘ “With modern science,”
said Cathy, “he can be togethered again.”
    ‘ “As soon as you marry the
nerd,