Wuthering Heights

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Book: Read Wuthering Heights for Free Online
Authors: Spike Milligan
Heathcliff will lose a friend, love and the five-mile knackering runs on
the moor,” I said.
    ‘ “No,” she said. “Nothing
will consent forsaking Heathcliff. I have felt his and he has felt mine and no
one can take that away from us. My love for Linton is like the foliage in the
woods, but my love for Heathcliff is like Chicken Madras. Nelly, I am
Heathcliff.”
    ‘ “Oh,” I said, “then who
is he?”
    ‘ “Don’t you see, Nelly,”
she said, “he is me.”
    ‘ “I see, you are both each
other,” I said.
    ‘She smiled and nodded.
    ‘Joseph interrupted our
conversation. He spoke his traditional rubbish, “Und hah, isn’t that nowt
porridge corned in frough the’ field be thus time? What is e a baht porridge
girt eedle seeght Heathcliff e?”
    ‘I called softly for
Heathcliff.
    ‘Softly he didn’t answer.
    ‘Cathy jumped up in a fine
fright. The finest fright I had ever seen.
    ‘I whispered to her that
Heathcliff had heard a good part of what she had said.
    ‘ “Wait till he hears the
bad part,” she said, tapping her nose but nothing fell out. Catherine paced up
and down the kitchen floor, sometimes she’d pace down and then up. “Where is
he, where is he? What did I say, Nelly? I’ve forgotten.”
    ‘ “You have just said,
‘where is he, where is he?’” I said. I had administered the last of the brandy
to little Hareton who was now pissed and fast asleep.
    ‘Meantime, Mr Earnshaw had
come home via the back stairs so Miss Cathy didn’t see him in drag. He had a
wonderful time with a guardsman at the Black Bull Inn. Cathy had gone running
across the moor looking for Heathcliff. A terrible storm broke out over
Wuthering Heights and Cathy barefoot and beautiful ran across the drenching
moor calling Heathcliff’s name. She would pause on tiptoe, cup her dainty hand
to her sweet lips and call “Heathcliff!!!”. A tree fell on her. Unhurt but
trapped to the ground she called, “Heathcliff, where the fuck are you?” By dawn
she had managed to extricate herself from the tree, she arrived home soaked, to
be greeted by Hindley who had just removed his make-up.
    ‘ “What ails you?” he said.
    ‘ “A tree ailed me,” she
said.
    ‘I witnessed this as I had
come down early to give the baby his morning bottle of brandy.
    ‘ “But Cathy, you’re
soaking wet,” said Hindley.
    ‘ “Yes, that’s what rain
does,” she said steaming by the fire.
    ‘She called to me, “Nelly,
shut the window, I’m starving.”
    ‘So I shut the window to
stop her starving.
    ‘ “Were you with Heathcliff
last night?” asked Hindley.
    ‘ “No, I was with a tree,”
sobbed Cathy. “If you turn Heathcliff out of the doors,” she sobbed, “I’ll turn
out with him.” She sobbed into the fire putting it out.
    ‘ “She’s ill,” said Hindley
taking her wrist; then taking her ankle he dragged her sobbing upstairs and put
her in bed. Hindley lavished on her a torrent of abuse, then taking pity he
sang a chorus of Au Id Lang Syne in Swedish. I thought she was going
mad. I begged Joseph to run for Dr Kenneth.
    ‘ “If Aw wor yah maister
Awd just slam t’boards porridge I’their farses” he said.
    ‘ “All right,” I said. “No,
get the bloody doctor.”
    ‘Dr Kenneth came. “This
girl should be in bed,” he said.
    ‘ “She is in bed,” I said.
    ‘ “I’m glad you agree with
my diagnosis,” he said. “This girl is very ill, she has a fever.” He bled her,
and told me to let her live on whey and water-gruel and keep the windows locked
in case of starvation, and that would be five pounds. In her delirium Cathy
called out, “Ohh, ohh, Heathcliff twelve inches, oh oh, Linton only six.” She
was a difficult patient. Old Mrs Linton visited her, she insisted that we
weren’t treating her properly. She insisted on taking Cathy to Thrushcross
Grange, for this deliverance we were grateful, but alas! Mrs Linton was to
repent her kindness, she and her husband caught the fever and died

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