Read Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less for Free Online
Authors: Nick Douglas
cold today that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
penfabulous
Thinking if we changed the name of “taxes” to “hookers” we might be able to get politicians to pay them.
TerryBain
Managing 3 Twitter accounts can be dicey. For ex, the other day I almost sent you guys my cat’s recent tweet: “Happy to report: clean butt.”
johnprocopio
You never see anyone covered in soot these days. Where did it all go?
rccoomedy
I just realized Chewbacca carries a purse.
kellydeal
Way to go, hiccups. Thanks for ruining my street cred.
sween
My decision to seek and attend the Catholic church with the best website was a little like looking for the puppy with the best GRE scores.
EffingBoring
“I did not hit you. I just high-fived your face.”
brittneyg
It’s adorable when Canadians try to look all pimpy with fistfuls of Canadian money. “LOOK AT ALL MY COUPONS!!!”
merkley
My kids’ new Winnie the Pooh book shows they have a new human pal, a girl.
So Christopher Robin finally grew up & moved to West Hollywood?
BillCorbett
The condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave.
ersatzmoe
The worst thing about “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is that what finally sends Billy Joel over the edge is the Pepsi Challenge.
philgs
Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.
elisharene
I’m thinking about calling child protective services on Mother Nature.
DanaBrunetti
The Chinese might be beating us in the “economy” game these days, but they are WAY behind us with the whole New Year thing.
A_Brianstorm
Ahhh, the clitoris: nature’s Rubik’s Cube.
twoname
VH1’s new line up consists of a spin-off of a spin-off, and a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off, which is surprisingly creative.
joebreed
In SF’s city guides, events are grouped by category. Art and museums are lumped into “Art/Museums” while “Jam Bands” is its own thing.
missionmission
One of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs gtt ny wurs
warrenellis
Ah. In that thread, “JEW” was short for “Jimmy Eat World.” Editing my vitriolic reply to your “I FUCKIN’ HATE JEW SONGS” comment posthaste.
youhas
I just watched a pot come to a boil and now I’m wondering what other lies I’ve been living.
GorillaSushi
Deriving my porn alias from my first pet’s name and the street I grew up on, I’d be Munchie Hood. Pretty much guarantees girl-on-girl only.
Aimee_B_Loved
Obama was able to shower and dress after his workout in 18 minutes. His press conference was 24 minutes. May make 15-minute brownies in 12.
jdickerson
Some people don’t like Vietnamese food, but I don’t know what they’re complaining pho.
spdracerx
I’d tell my ex to go fly a kite, but he has problems keeping things up.
hoosiergirl
Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don’t even love them!
fireland
Buying groceries online is convenient but deadly boring. As a result, most things in our fridge start with “A,” “B,” or “C.”
adamisacson
I just realized all my friends are married. I freak out if I keep a Netflix for more than a week.
dascola
I think it’s so great how Anthony Bourdain’s cheeks waited to get pregnant until after he quit smoking.
lindstifa
No ma’am, Wireless-G isn’t a rapper.
lefauxfrog
Just typed “search resluts” by mistake. Sorta makes sense. Search resluts: when all your searches bring up the same adult content sites.
johntunger
If you haven’t seen “Crying Game”
STOP READING THIS.
For the rest of us, how insane was it that that girl turned out to be a DUDE?
davidwain
Why doesn’t Krackel challenge CRUNCH’s supremacy in the chocolate-and-crisped-rice space? Why does Hershey’s keep it in the fun-size ghetto?
andrewdupont
Remember, kids, it’s a crime
penfabulous
Thinking if we changed the name of “taxes” to “hookers” we might be able to get politicians to pay them.
TerryBain
Managing 3 Twitter accounts can be dicey. For ex, the other day I almost sent you guys my cat’s recent tweet: “Happy to report: clean butt.”
johnprocopio
You never see anyone covered in soot these days. Where did it all go?
rccoomedy
I just realized Chewbacca carries a purse.
kellydeal
Way to go, hiccups. Thanks for ruining my street cred.
sween
My decision to seek and attend the Catholic church with the best website was a little like looking for the puppy with the best GRE scores.
EffingBoring
“I did not hit you. I just high-fived your face.”
brittneyg
It’s adorable when Canadians try to look all pimpy with fistfuls of Canadian money. “LOOK AT ALL MY COUPONS!!!”
merkley
My kids’ new Winnie the Pooh book shows they have a new human pal, a girl.
So Christopher Robin finally grew up & moved to West Hollywood?
BillCorbett
The condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave.
ersatzmoe
The worst thing about “We Didn’t Start the Fire” is that what finally sends Billy Joel over the edge is the Pepsi Challenge.
philgs
Chapstick should be marketed as making-out lube.
elisharene
I’m thinking about calling child protective services on Mother Nature.
DanaBrunetti
The Chinese might be beating us in the “economy” game these days, but they are WAY behind us with the whole New Year thing.
A_Brianstorm
Ahhh, the clitoris: nature’s Rubik’s Cube.
twoname
VH1’s new line up consists of a spin-off of a spin-off, and a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off, which is surprisingly creative.
joebreed
In SF’s city guides, events are grouped by category. Art and museums are lumped into “Art/Museums” while “Jam Bands” is its own thing.
missionmission
One of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs gtt ny wurs
warrenellis
Ah. In that thread, “JEW” was short for “Jimmy Eat World.” Editing my vitriolic reply to your “I FUCKIN’ HATE JEW SONGS” comment posthaste.
youhas
I just watched a pot come to a boil and now I’m wondering what other lies I’ve been living.
GorillaSushi
Deriving my porn alias from my first pet’s name and the street I grew up on, I’d be Munchie Hood. Pretty much guarantees girl-on-girl only.
Aimee_B_Loved
Obama was able to shower and dress after his workout in 18 minutes. His press conference was 24 minutes. May make 15-minute brownies in 12.
jdickerson
Some people don’t like Vietnamese food, but I don’t know what they’re complaining pho.
spdracerx
I’d tell my ex to go fly a kite, but he has problems keeping things up.
hoosiergirl
Why should I be the one to take the kids to see their psychologist? I don’t even love them!
fireland
Buying groceries online is convenient but deadly boring. As a result, most things in our fridge start with “A,” “B,” or “C.”
adamisacson
I just realized all my friends are married. I freak out if I keep a Netflix for more than a week.
dascola
I think it’s so great how Anthony Bourdain’s cheeks waited to get pregnant until after he quit smoking.
lindstifa
No ma’am, Wireless-G isn’t a rapper.
lefauxfrog
Just typed “search resluts” by mistake. Sorta makes sense. Search resluts: when all your searches bring up the same adult content sites.
johntunger
If you haven’t seen “Crying Game”
STOP READING THIS.
For the rest of us, how insane was it that that girl turned out to be a DUDE?
davidwain
Why doesn’t Krackel challenge CRUNCH’s supremacy in the chocolate-and-crisped-rice space? Why does Hershey’s keep it in the fun-size ghetto?
andrewdupont
Remember, kids, it’s a crime
Similar Books
Belladonna at Belstone
Michael Jecks
The Beautiful People
E. J. Fechenda
Agent in Training
Jerri Drennen
Dark Tales Of Lost Civilizations
Eric J. Guignard (Editor)
Migration
Julie E. Czerneda
Now You See Her
Cecelia Tishy
Lily: Captive to the Dark
Alaska Angelini
Skipping Christmas
John Grisham
A Walk with Jane Austen
Lori Smith
The Kin
Peter Dickinson