Read Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less for Free Online Page B

respond to the command “Reconsider your lifestyle.”
    anildash
    When I play a game that allows you to choose between male and female avatars I always pick the girl. Then it’s not my fault when I lose.
    rossp832
    Ladies, here’s the deal. I have stars. You have tweets. You show your tweets, you get a star, okay? So, if you want to get back at daddy…
    ayeshamus
    Michael Jackson is 50 today. Now his face is too old to date his nose in all societies.
    awryone
    Just received my first McDonald’s Monopoly pieces. If I can get Oriental Avenue, I’ll win diabetes.
    gordonshumway
     
     
    H EY, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT, J ESUS HAS A PROBLEM WITH PEOPLE WHO DON’T TAKE H IM SERIOUSLY. T HEY MAKE H IM A LITTLE cross.
    FarkerPeaceboy
     
     
    My new Chicago mantra is “It’s another gorgeous day inside!”
    dickc
    Maybe I’m tempting fate. I’m moving on Fri. the 13th. Also picking up my new car today, and driving it to Crystal Lake for premarital sex.
    toddlevin
    Nothing like televised magic to take the magic out of television.
    gshellen
    I don’t like bloody marys. Everyone says, “*My* bloody marys are different. You’ll like *my* bloody marys.” Is this how lesbians feel?
    eliashiebert
    Atheism predates any religion by about 14 billion years.
    bjornkri
    I think the proof there is intelligent life on other planets is the fact they’ve obviously chosen not to contact us.
    willdurst
    Mom: “My biggest regret was not being able to breast-feed you. You just didn’t want my boob!” I guess that should’ve been a hint.
    savorygreatness
    Staring at a lip gloss color called Flesh Light. Not sure if I should buy it or go down on it.
    suddenlybruisin
    Thank you, Pizza Hut, for the world’s most dilapidated $1 bill. I hope you will be serving me some Purell with this.
    whitewhines
    “When you die, can I have your stuff?” “You are my stuff.”
    abigvictory
    Ending a mini vacation with a terrible cold. How bad? The stuff I just coughed out reminded me to add “Ghostbusters” to my Netflix queue.
    rafitorres
    5yo keeps singing, “I kissed a squirrel and I liked it. I hope I don’t get rabies.” I hope he doesn’t grow up to be a furry.
    YummyCupcakes
    Buenos Aires traffic is like the tango—everyone’s moving really fast and somehow, miraculously, no one gets kicked in the nuts.
    teeveedub
    When I fake-type on my desk and feel like I’ve made a fake-typo, I fake-backspace to correct it. This is my life.
    kurtw
    The next Bond title already causing controversy. “Pissypants Fingerbang.”
    Glinner
    My new favorite thing in the world is when a kind Internet stranger mails me COOKIES!!! Yay! I’m returning the favor and mailing you a cat!
    crispycracka
    So distracted, can’t work…am actually clicking on ads. I might have just mortgaged my wife for a free BlackBerry.
    toddadamson
    Was “Tom & Jerry Kids” really necessary? Was the original’s dry, too-academic humor flying over anyone’s head?
    nevenmrgan
    I appreciate that modern medicine gives us the option of penicillin instead of sending the boy to the seaside and burning all of his toys.
    cjereneta
    Found birth control pills and ten dollars in my dog’s bed. Makes me wonder if he’s running a small prostitution ring.
    kellyjay7
     
     
    When people pick their “5 people living or dead to have dinner with,” don’t they worry they’ll be the most boring person at the meal?
    michaelianblack
     
     
    Wit, n.: the delicate art of subtly steering a conversation in the direction of the hilarious pun you came up with three weeks ago.
    dwineman
    When I put sea salt on fish, I wonder if they may already know each other.
    phillygirl
    I’m to the point now where I could make the kids’ lunches in my sleep. And judging by this peanut butter and ham sandwich, I just did.
    stevewhitaker
    I am 40, which of course is the new 17, 17 now being the new fetal alcohol syndrome.
    chrisstrouth
    If I had kids, they wouldn’t know that batteries could be replaced until