Read Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less for Free Online Page A

to not film sex you’ve paid for.
    subsocial
    Physics student emailed me at end of semester, “Are you sure I got an A?” So I changed it to a THE WORLD IS GOING TO FUCKING EAT YOU ALIVE.
    nonsequiturific
    My tits look awesome when I pick them up off the floor and put them in a bra.
    fourformom
    If I had a corn maze, I’d call it “The Corn Maize”! That’s probably why they won’t let me have a corn maze.
    dartanion
    There’s a line between metrosexual and homosexual that you’re walking your dog right past, sir.
    tomcunningham
    Mourning doves are the most common songbird in my neighborhood. And they’re all horny right now. Sounds like a goddamn Joy Division concert.
    sunshynegrll
    Little known fact: Aquaman is peeing in the ocean ALL THE TIME.
    fancycwabs
    I’m giving up for Lent.
    ladawn
    Saw a lost dog sign for a shih tzu/Yorkie mix. He’s not lost—he’s hiding, afraid of what you will try to breed him with next.
    zmatt
    You’d think my sister’s OCD & ADD would cancel out. Really they just make her forget what she’s doing halfway into reorganizing your closet.
    poeks
    Upon seeing rampant toddler in mall: Before kid: Control your brat! After: Must plot intercept course, allowing for pull of gumball machine.
    seanhussey
    Allergy testing confirmed that I am allergic to everything outdoors, including trees, grasses, weeds, and reggae festivals.
    gshellen
    Sometimes I wish I could sing, but I ALWAYS wish I could fly.
    baileygenine
    The plural of vagina is awesome.
    InSoOutSo
     
     
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    MELBOURNE, IN A DARK A ROOM. I MAY BECOME A VIGILANTE SUPERHERO, MY COSTUME MADE FROM THINGS I FIND. BEHOLD CAPTAIN SHOWER CURTAIN.
    RUSTYROCKETS
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    Every time I see Nancy Grace on TV I imagine that somewhere there is a real journalist locked in a broom closet weeping.
    shellen
    My ideal hybrid: Naomi Chomsky
    ttseco
    Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. Damn it, I knew I shouldn’t have eaten so much sash.
    shuffshuff
    Giraffes are kinda like periscopes for themselves.
    sippymccloy
    Levi Johnston on “Tyra” is the best thing anyone has ever done, including the Sistine Chapel.
    BorowitzReport
    Don’t say “y’all” when what you mean is “youse guys.”
    munki
    “We’re sorry; the new Facebook is back up.”
    busterkeaton
    When the wife comes to you and says, “I think my water broke,” just look at her calmly and say, “That’s OK, we’ll get you another one.”
    Robsama
    God, I just LOVE the feeling of my teeth after falling asleep with a cough drop in my mouth. Like little tube socks on each and every one.
    califmom
    Was excited to see the “Concert Tickets” link in iTunes until it took me to TicketMaster. The Internet equivalent of candy and a rape van.
    kyleridolfo
    Safest way to run w/ scissors: one in each hand, the pointy ends directly in front of your eyeballs, so you can always see where they are.
    sfslim
    Synopsis for “Twilight”: “And then, like, vampires.” giromide
     
    Business in the front, party in the back, and floor hockey on the weekends.
    grrrrbark
    With all the sand my son brings home in his shoes, I think the preschoolers are working on a tunnel like in “The Great Escape.”
    jackholt
    The normal side of me says, “Just let it go.” But the frosted side…
    NikolHasler
    Business slow at Heritage Foundation’s AynRandLand, where you build and operate your own damn ride or there is no ride.
    pourmecoffee
    I have a cold. It makes my voice sound like a sexy pirate.
    joelmchale
    I’m pretty sure the guy I just saw in my building is meant to be my next ex-boyfriend. He already looked so sad about our breakup.
    ungraceful
    Every time I turn a thousand pages to the back of “Infinite Jest,” I half expect the little footnote to read, simply, “Sorry.”
    lianamaeby
    I want to see Apple put out a Christmas MacBook made of white chocolate just so I can hear you nerds defend it.
    _why
    I have almost taught my dog to