Read The Potty Mouth at the Table for Free Online Page B

I was in front of my principal.
    LAURIE
    Your principal saw you lose consciousness because you drank a hot Diet Pepsi too fast!
    LINDA
    Diet Vanilla Coke.
    LAURIE
    Well, believe me, the moment soda dripped on his shoes from your head, respect was long gone.
    CUT TO LINDA .
    LINDA
    That is not true. He makes sure I have ice every day in my room now.
    CUT TO LAURIE .
    LAURIE
    That’s not respect. That’s just cheaper than being sued by the parents of thirty kids who just watched their thirsty teacher black out after slamming a soda that she left in her car for too long.
    LINDA
    It was only out there until lunch.
    LAURIE
    So, how are you?
    BACK TO MOM ’S KITCHEN: MOM IS LEANING OVER LINDA ’S SHOULDER.
    MOM
    (YELLING TOWARD THE PHONE)
    Nothing was wrong. Can you believe it? A brain X-ray, nothing was wrong, they said. After all of that. The doctors were stumped. It’s a medical mystery.
    BACK TO.
    LAURIE
    Really? No one detected any drama? Because I understand that Linda theater is now in its forty-second season.
    BACK TO MOM ’S KITCHEN.
    MOM
    No, no trauma. There was no trauma, was there, Lin?
    LINDA
    No. They would have kept me there until dinnertime, as it was, all I had that day was the Diet Vanilla Coke. I didn’t even get Jell-O.
    MOM
    They don’t feed medical mystery patients. It could upset the tests!
    LAURIE
    I can’t believe that there’s no test for Diet Pepsi attacks.
    LINDA
    Well, from now on, I’m sticking to iced tea.
    LAURIE
    I’d watch it if I were you. A reckless squeeze of a lemon and before you know it, everyone knows how much you weigh.
    LOUD CLICK IS HEARD ON THE PHONE LINE.
    LINDA
    I heard that clicking noise again.
    LAURIE
    (WHISPERING)
    It’s President Obama!
    MOM
    (VERY LOUDLY)
    I didn’t vote for you! I only vote for mavericks!
    LAURIE
    He already knows that, Mom. He can hear you shouting through the TV.
    MOM
    I’m hanging up. I just wanted to let you know that your sister was okay.
    LAURIE
    Why, did something happen to Lisa?
    LINDA
    (VOICE FADING AWAY)
    Mom, I was going to eat that cookie! No, we don’t have the same germs.
    PHONE LINE GOES DEAD. A SUDDEN BOOM IS HEARD, LIKE SOMEONE HAS JUST FALLEN DOWN THE STAIRS. LAURIE RUNS INTO THE HALLWAY, WHERE HER HUSBAND IS SPRAWLED OUT ON THE FLOOR, APPARENTLY UNCONSCIOUS. ON HIS BELLY IS A CAN OF DIET PEPSI HE HOLDS IN ONE HAND; THE CIRCLE OF THE LOGO HAS BEEN MADE INTO A FACE, WITH THE EYES X’D OUT. ON HIS CHEST IS A NOTE WITH HIS HANDWRITING ON IT. IT SAYS, IN LARGE BLACK LETTERS, “NO ICE! CALL 911!”
    AND SCENE.

STRIPTEASE
    I wasn’t sure what to expect when I found myself hanging out in a hotel room with half a dozen girlfriends on a weekend getaway and all of a sudden one of my friends started disrobing.
    We were all chatting away, catching up, when she announced that she had something to show everyone and started lifting up her blouse. Now, given that cocktails play a dominant role in this sort of weekend, I wasn’t about to rule out the possibility that my friend had not only already hit the sauce but punched it directly in the face. And no one else seemed particularly unnerved by the fact that one of us was taking off her shirt for no apparent reason, so I decided to play it cool, too.
    There I was, playing it cool, as she showed her back to thegirls sitting on the bed, most of whom were smiling and saying things like “Amazing” and “Oh, wow.” So I was excited to see what she had hidden under her shirt—maybe it was a beautiful La Perla bra, or even a tick bite that radiated indications of Lyme disease. But when she turned around, there was no way to ever be prepared for what I saw, which was a flaming cupcake.
    Now, on any other cupcake occasion, count me in. I’ll have frosting up my nostrils in seconds flat. But in this case, the flaming cupcake was enormous—big enough to reach across her entire back, from shoulder blades to waist, flames licking her spine: a gigantic tattoo, parts of which appeared still to be