Read The Potty Mouth at the Table for Free Online Page A

INTO THE SHOT (WEARING PINK HOODIE) AND GRABS THE PHONE OUT OF MOM ’S HAND.
    LINDA (V.O., CONT’D)
    I did not say that. Mom has her facts all wrong. And it wasn’t a Diet Pepsi. It was a Diet Vanilla Coke!
    CUT TO BATHROOM DOOR.
    LAURIE
    So Diet Vanilla Coke attackedYou? Not diet pepsi?
    MOM ’S KITCHEN: CUT TO LINDA .
    LINDA
    Yes. And you should know that I never let go of the Diet Vanilla Coke. I held on to it the whole time.
    CUT TO CLASSROOM: A HAND WITH MANICURED FINGERNAILS GRASPING A CAN OF DIET VANILLA COKE, FALLING FORWARD IN VERY SLOW MOTION.
    CUT TO BATHROOM DOOR.
    LAURIE
    What do you mean? What happened to it? Did it land upright?
    CUT TO CLASSROOM: THE CAN, STILL WITH THE HAND CLUTCHING IT (SLO-MO), COMES IN BRUTAL CONTACT WITH THE GRAY CARPET WITH AN ECHOING THUD! SODA SPLASHES UP AND OUT OF THE MOUTH HOLE, LIKE A TSUNAMI.
    LINDA (V.O.)
    Well, not really. Most of it sprayed all over my students’ desks.
    CLOSE-UP ON DESK SURFACE. DROPS OF HISSING BROWN RAIN FALL RELENTLESSLY.
    SILENCE AS THE CRACKLING OF THE SODA DIES OUT.
    PULL BACK FROM THE CAN, AS IT IS NOW TIPPED ON ITS SIDE, LEAKING LIKE AN OIL RIG, PULL BACK, PULL BACK, UNTIL A STRAND OF BLONDE HAIR COMES INTO FRAME, THEN MORE STRANDS, THEN A HEAD, AS THE POOL OF SODA OVERTAKES AND RUSHES THROUGH THE BLONDE HAIR. FIZZLING IS HEARD.
    LINDA (V.O., CONT’D)
    But most of it soaked my hair. What is that clicking noise? Is that the phone? Do you think President Obama is listening to us?
    CUT TO LAURIE , HOLDING HERSELF UP IN THE BATHROOM DOORWAY, LAUGHING SILENTLY WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER FACE.
    MOM ’S KITCHEN: CUT TO LINDA , LOOKING INTO THE PHONE WITH ANNOYANCE.
    LINDA
    (THROUGH PHONE)
    Are you there?
    CUT TO LAURIE , STILL PROPPED UP IN THE DOORWAY, STILL SILENT, NODDING, THEN WIPING AWAY A TEAR.
    LAURIE
    Uh-huh.
    LINDA (THROUGH PHONE)
    Anyway, that wasn’t the worst part. Before the paramedics wheeled me out—
    CUT TO LAURIE , RAISING HER HAND.
    LAURIE
    Wait, wait—you called 911?
    LINDA (THROUGH PHONE)
    (HEAVY, DEEP SIGH)
    Someone thought I hit my head on the way down.
    CUT TO CLASSROOM: LINDA LOOKS LIKE A GULLIVER SMOOSHED INTO A TEENY-TINY DESK, HER HEAD BACK, WHILE A NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN FANS HER WITH AN OPRAH MAGAZINE. PRINCIPAL LOOKS ON.
    NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    (PICKING UP A STRAND OFLINDA’S DRIPPING HAIR)
    We should call someone. This isn’t blood but it could be plasma or brain water. She saw angels! Linda, did you see the Virgin Mary?
    PRINCIPAL
    No, no, no. This is a Lutheran school. No Virgin Mary talk. That could affect our funding.
    CUT TO MOM ’S KITCHEN: LINDA IS EATING A COOKIE.
    LINDA
    So the worst part was that when the paramedics were wheeling me out to go to the hospital so I could get an EKG, a brain scan, and blood work done, one of the paramedics—
    BACK TO CLASSROOM: LINDA IS ON A STRETCHER. ALL COWORKERS ARE GATHERED AROUND. SHE IS HOLDING THE DIET VANILLA COKE CAN ON HER ABDOMEN. A PARAMEDIC STANDS NEXT TO HER WITH A CLIPBOARD.
    PARAMEDIC
    Weight?
    LINDA
    (WITH EYES CLOSED)
    That’s okay, sir. I’m in no hurry to hear that I’m probably going to die today.
    PARAMEDIC
    No, I need your weight, ma’am. Your weight. (Pats his belly to emphasize)
    ALL HEADS OF COWORKERS TURN TOWARD LINDA .
    LINDA
    Oh. My weight? Oh. Um. One hundred and, um . . . (Whispers something inaudible)
    CLOSE-UP OF NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN.
    NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    (SHAKES HER HEAD, LOOKS AT PRINCIPAL, MOUTHS, WITH GREAT EXAGGERATION)
    Lowball.
    BACK TO LAURIE , STLL STANDING IN BATHROOM DOORWAY.
    LAURIE
    You told them? You told them how much you weighed?
    BACK TO MOM ’S KITCHEN.
    LINDA
    He asked me! I had to!
    BACK TO LAURIE , NOW IN KITCHEN, OPENING PANTRY.
    LAURIE
    No you didn’t! You did not! They’re not the Gestapo! He didn’t know! Paramedics aren’t psychic weight guessers! You were lying down! That takes like forty pounds off right there! You should know these things!
    LINDA
    I couldn’t lie.