Read The Potty Mouth at the Table for Free Online

ELECTRICAL APPLIANCE EVER INVENTED AND SOLD, INCLUDING TWO MICROWAVES, A CONVECTION OVEN, A BLENDER, TWO COFFEEMAKERS. CROCKS FILLED WITH DECORATIVE SPATULAS ARE CRAMMED IN BETWEEN, AS ARE FLAMELESS CANDLES AND BLOCKS OF COLORFUL SILICONE KNIVES. SEVERAL BOXES MARKED “QVC” ON THE SIDES ARE OPENED AND VISIBLE IN THE BACKGROUND. MOM , A WOMAN BEARING A STRIKING RESEMBLANCE TO LAURIE , PLUS TWENTY-TWO YEARS, HAS A CORDLESS PHONE IN HER HAND. SHE IS CHEWING ON A COOKIE AND IS WEARING A BROWN VELOUR HOODIE. THERE IS A PACKING PEANUT IN HER HAIR.
    CUT BACK TO LAURIE . A SMALL CHUNK OF FIBER BAR TUMBLES OUT OF HER MOUTH. SHE KEEPS CHEWING.
    LAURIE
    Hey, mom. What’s—
    CUT TO MOM .
    MOM
    Yeah, listen. I don’t know if anyone told you, but uh, we were at the hospital Thursday.
    CUT TO LAURIE .
    LAURIE
    Oh my God. What happened?
    CUT TO MOM .
    MOM
    Oh, God. It’s your sister.
    LAURIE
    Oh, no! Lisa?
    MOM
    Your sister!
    LAURIE
    Lisa?
    MOM
    The one closest to you.
    CUT TO LAURIE .
    LAURIE
    I said “Lisa?”
    MOM
    In age.
    LAURIE
    Oh, Linda.
    CUT TO MOM .
    MOM
    So your sister was just in the hospital.
    LAURIE
    Lisa?
    MOM
    Have you been drinking? I’m not playing games with you. Are you ready for me to tell you about your sister’s tragedy? or are you going to play games?
    CUT TO LAURIE .
    LAURIE
    I’m ready. I’m actually very excited.
    LAURIE WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR.
    CUT TO MOM .
    SHE BITES INTO ANOTHER COOKIE. A PIECE OF IT FALLS OUT OF HER MOUTH.
    MOM
    Fine. She was at school, you know she’s teaching there, when she opened a Diet Pepsi while the kids were at recess.
    CUT TO BATHROOM DOOR. SILENCE.
    CUT TO MOM .
    MOM (CONT’D)
    Are you listening to me? This is a very important part of the story.
    LAURIE (THROUGH PHONE)
    I’m all ears.
    FLASHBACK: CUT TO LINDA , A SUBURBAN VERSION OF LAURIE , WITH BLONDE HAIR, MANICURED FINGERNAILS, PERFECT MAKEUP, SITTING AT HER DESK IN A CLASSROOM AND WEARING A PINK VELOUR HOODIE. SHE OPENS THE DIET PEPSI.
    MOM (V.O.)
    Usually, she says she gets a glass of ice with her Diet Pepsi, but this time, she didn’t. I don’t know why. She just didn’t.
    LINDA LOOKS AT THE CAN, STICKING ONE MANICURED FINGER IN IT AND SUDDENLY PULLING IT BACK OUT, AS IF THE SODA WERE BOILING WATER. THEN SHE SHRUGS AND POLISHES OFF THE HOT CAN OF SODA IN A MATTER OF GULPS.
    MOM (V.O.)
    She drank it very fast, and all of the bubbles went to her chest! But she said the pain was so big in her chest that she had to hold her breath! The pain, the pain!
    LINDA ’S EYES GET WIDE. IT ALL GOES BLACK. ONE SECOND. TWO SECONDS. THREE SECONDS.
    CUT TO A BLURRY VISION OF SOMETHING GRAY, WHICH COMES INTO FOCUS AS A TEXTILE. FROM THE RIGHT CORNER, SOMETHING DARK SPREADS QUICKLY INTO THE FRAME. AN AUDIBLE, SMALL HISS OF CARBONATION IS HEARD.
    MOM (V.O.)
    Then, the next thing you know, she woke up and she was looking at carpet. She had no idea where she was. Finally, she came to and realized she’d fainted.
    CLOSE-UP OF LINDA ’S EYES DARTING BACK AND FORTH. PANIC. PANIC. THE FAINT SOUNDS OF CHILDREN’S LAUGHTER ECHO IN THE BACKGROUND. A SPARROW WHISTLES.
    THE SHOT GETS SHAKY AS SCOPE OF THE CLASSROOM IS QUICKLY TAKEN IN, A CUT TO THE LEFT AND A CUT TO THE RIGHT. THE ANGLE GAINS HEIGHT, DIPS A LITTLE, THEN SIMPLY CUTS WILDLY ABOUT.
    SHOT OF A FAT MAN IN A TIE LOOKING DOWN. A NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN JOINS HIM. AND ANOTHER. AND ANOTHER. THE JANITOR STANDS THERE WITH A MOP IN HIS HANDS. A CROWD OF LINDA ’S COWORKERS FORMS.
    MOM (V.O.)
    She got herself to the phone and called her principal, who came over right away.
    NONDESCRIPT MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN
    (BENDING OVER AND TALKING LOUDLY)
    Linda, what is your husband’s phone number?
    LINDA (V.O.)
    I-I-I don’t know. Are you angels? Why am I not looking down on my body? Is it because Safeway gave me too much change and I didn’t say anything? But I watch Lifetime TV for women. That’s like extra credit for heaven.
    CUT TO MOM , WHERE AN ANGRY LINDA WALKS