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courage you were born with—and to strengthen your courage by taking small risks in the beginning and building on them.
    These four power C’s will arm you with everything you need to make the transformation from Nice Girl to Strong Woman.
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    How Did We Get So Nice?

    The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn.
    —G LORIA S TEINEM

    W

    hat are the causes of the Nice Girl syndrome? There are many causes, some of which we will discuss in this chapter
    and all of which will be discussed in the book.

    The Four Causes of Nice Girl Syndrome
    Generally speaking, there are four major origins for Nice Girl behavior:
Biological predisposition
Societal beliefs passed on to a child by the culture or society in which she is raised
Familial beliefs passed on to a child by her family, either directly or by witnessing parental and other family members’ behavior
Experiential beliefs a child forms as a result of her personal experiences, including childhood trauma

    Biological Predisposition
    Women are hard-wired to be patient and compassionate and to value connection over confrontation. Professor Carol Gilligan, in her landmark studies at Harvard University, came to the conclusion that
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    what has previously been considered “female passivity” is often a woman’s need to seek a solution that is most inclusive of everyone’s needs, “as an act of care rather than the restraint of aggression.”
    Most recently, a landmark UCLA study suggests that women actually have a larger behavioral repertoire than the “fight or flight” choices to which men appear to be limited. When the hormone oxy- tocin is released as part of the stress response in a woman, it buffers the fight-or-flight response and encourages her to tend to children and gather with other women.

    Societal Beliefs
    Girls are typically socialized to be polite, appropriate, pleasant, and agreeable—all the personality traits that characterize Nice Girls. For centuries, being nice was often synonymous with being female. Girls were supposed to be “sugar and spice and everything nice.” Unfortunately, even today, the feminine ideal tends to be to please others; be selfless, nice, and pretty; and make oneself the object of someone else’s life.
    To attain this culturally prescribed ideal, a teenage girl must put away a great many parts of herself. She stops speaking out and expressing her feelings. Instead, she focuses on trying to please oth- ers, especially those of the opposite sex.

    Familial Beliefs
    Your family passed down to you certain messages and beliefs. These include everything from the way people should treat one another to the role women play in a family. These messages and beliefs have a powerful influence on your thinking and behavior and help shape who you are today.
    For example, Janine was raised in a home where girls and women were viewed as second-class citizens. Her father was considered to be the head of the household and made all the decisions. Janine’s mother never contradicted him. Janine and her sisters were expected to serve her father and brothers the best cuts of meat and to save plenty of food for them in case they wanted seconds. Janine had to ask her father’s permission before she and her mother could buy her school clothes or books, and she had to get his okay before she went out with her friends, even if it was just to play in the backyard.
    What did Janine learn from her parents’ messages and beliefs?
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    She learned that merely by having been born female she was inferior to men. She learned to be passive and to not trust her own judg- ment. She also learned that it was okay for a man to dominate her. She ended up marrying just such a man. Today, Janine has to ask her husband’s permission before she goes out with her female friends from work. She has to ask his permission to spend money. Janine learned to be a victim from