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Most men don’t think of their penis as a weapon, and most women don’t, either. But even so, an erect penis can be used to pen- etrate, harm, and dominate a woman. Again, it isn’t that women con- sciously think of this on a day-to-day basis, but the inherent fear is there on an unconscious level.
    These two physical factors influence a woman’s thinking and feeling. We know that our very safety is dependent on the goodwill of men. If we cross them, if we make them angry, we risk being phys- ically reprimanded. Although most men do not use their physical advantage against women, the possibility and the threat are ever present.
    The other reason for women’s inherent fear is our history of being dominated by men. Throughout the ages, physical force has been used by more dominant groups in society to keep subordinate populations in their place. Men have always been physically larger and stronger than most women, and most societies have been male dominated. Because of this, for centuries, women have been frequent victims of physical assault and intimidation by men and have, in response, been afraid of men.
    In ancient Roman times, a man was allowed by law to chastise, divorce, or even kill his wife for adultery or just for attending pub- lic games. During the Middle Ages, a man’s right to beat his wife was beyond question, yet a woman could be burned alive for so much as threatening her husband.
    It took centuries before any real efforts were made to curtail the situation. Few people viewed violence in the home as a problem. The common notion—in Britain and the United States in the past
    32 T HE N ICE G IRL S YNDROME

    and in many societies today, such as India and Africa—was that a woman is not a full human being but considered property, first of her father, then of her husband.
    The third reason girls and women are so afraid is the fact that we continue to be dominated and abused by men. Although much has been done to alleviate domestic violence and the sexual abuse of chil- dren, the fact is that these two crimes are still rampant in every cul- ture around the world. Women are still being physically and emotionally abused by their husbands in record numbers, and the rate of childhood sexual abuse continues to climb. Once a girl or a woman has been abused, either emotionally, physically, or sexually, she is overwhelmed by fear and shame. In fact, for many women, their very lives are characterized by the fear that they will once again be victimized. Although this isn’t usually done on a conscious level, what better way to keep a female child down than to sexually molest her? As we have learned, rape and sexual abuse are usually more about power and control than about sexuality.
    These fears are at the core of most, if not all, of the false beliefs that cause the Nice Girl syndrome. For this reason, I will remind you periodically of the origins of these fears. I will do this to take away some of the shame many women feel because of their passive behavior. For example, many women are unable to leave abusive relationships, even though they know they should. But the reason they stay isn’t because they are weak or stupid or because they are masochists who want to be mistreated. It is because they are afraid, and they are afraid for all the reasons I have written about here.
    If you are a woman who is often perplexed by her Nice Girl behavior, reminding yourself of the fears that trigger such responses will help you to understand yourself better, not be so critical of your- self, and, hopefully, feel more motivated to change.
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    The Ten False Beliefs That Set Women Up to Be Used and Abused

    Man [woman] is made by his [her] belief.
    As he [she] believes, so he [she] is.
    —B HAGAVAD G ITA

    T

    o make the transformation from Nice Girl to Strong Woman, you need to unearth and then discard the deeply buried false beliefs that are responsible for your Nice Girl behavior. In this chap- ter, we will focus on the