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for me. That stopped, though, once I brought Grace home. He’d come over once with a gift-wrapped box and left it at the front door when no one had answered, and inside was a doll for Grace. Since then though, he’d kept his distance, which bothered me more than I wanted to admit.
    “Sweet dreams, my little princess.” I bent down to kiss her.
    How could it be possible to love a child as much as I loved her?
    I closed the door to her room and followed Nina down the stairs. A fresh wind blew through the open windows at the bottom of the s taircase.
    A tray was on the kitchen counter with tea and a plate of cut fruit along with bak ed scones.
    “I thought we could maybe sit outsid e today?”
    The scones looked delicious. I loved to cook but could never bake, and once Nina realized how much I loved homemade baked goods, she would spoil me once a week with muffins, cakes, or scones. My favorites were her croissants and vanilla scones, which she brought today. She cut a few slices of butter and placed them on a small plate and my mouth watered. I made my way to the back door but Nina s topped me.
    “I thought maybe we could sit on the front porch instead?”
    I froze. My throat dried up so I couldn’t swallow and a sudden chill swept over me, forcing the hairs on my arms to stan d on end.
    “I’d rather sit in the back.” My voice warb led a bit.
    “Have you noticed the flower beds in the front? The tulips are just starting to come up and you can see the lilacs starting to bloom. My mother used to have lilac bushes in our front yard growing up; I’d forgotten how much I loved the scent.” Nina babbled as she took my hand and turned me away from the back door. “Could you carry the tray? Be careful, though; the pot is full. I’ll grab the monitor and a blanket in case you get chilled with the wind.” She handed me the tray. Whether I wanted to or not, I was going out to the front.
    It’s not that I didn’t like sitting on the front patio, it was just that I couldn’t.
    Once upon a time, I used to go running early in the mornings. I’d get up, lace my sneakers, pull my hair back in a ponytail, and head outdoors. It didn’t matter whether the sun shone or storm clouds were rolling in. I used to go running through the paths that circled the downtown core, always stopping at a local coffee shop and chatting with the early morning servers while I sipped at my ch ai latte.
    When we moved to this new house, one thing I loved was that we were blocks away from a city park where I could run. I looked forward to getting back into the groove after Grace was born. I even bought one of those joggers so I could take her with me, but since her birth, I’d been hesitant to head outside. The most I’d done was to sit out on our backyard patio and soak up the sun for a few brief minutes while I made sure Grace stayed in the shade and sheltered from any bugs.
    I could head to work, no problem. I could run errands during work hours and on my way home, but the moment anything else was required of me I panicked.
    Like r ight now.
    “You can do this, Diane.” Nina led the way while I traile d behind.
    I’d mentally prepared myself for the sleepless nights, for my ineptness when it came to having a newborn. But nothing prepared me for the emotional aspect. I was strong in so many ways, but when it came to facing the public with Grace, I couldn ’t do it.
    It was as if there was a deep fear that something would go wrong and I wouldn’t know how to handle the situation. What if she fell? What if she cried and I couldn’t get her to stop? What if she got sick—or worse, died—and there was nothing I could do?
    It was safer to stay home, where I knew I wasn ’t alone.
    “Remember, Grace is safe in her bed. It’s just you and me having a cup of tea.” Nina held the door open for me, an encouraging smile filling her face.
    Right. It was just me. Grace was safe. This was no different than if I were heading to work or having a