Read The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse for Free Online
Authors: Robert Rankin
anyway, which is why I'm on the case I'm on. But this is where you are.'
'This can't be happening. I must have gone mad.'
'Yeah, well,' said Eddie. 'Perhaps you are mad. -It's a shame. A real shame. Perhaps it would be better if we just went our separate ways. I wondered, I suppose. But perhaps I was wrong. I think I'll say goodbye.'
'Wondered?' said Jack. 'What did you wonder?'
'If, perhaps, you'd be the one. To help. It was only a thought. A drunken thought, probably. Forget it.'
'How can I forget it? I don't know what it was.'
'I need a partner,' said Eddie the Bear. 'I'm in a bit of a fix and I need a partner. I thought perhaps... But it doesn't matter. Go home, Jack. Go back to wherever you came from. This isn't the place for you to be. You don't understand about here. Sleep in this alley tonight, then go home, that's my advice to you.'
'I'm sorry,' said Jack. 'But I'm really confused. Real toys? Live toys? Living in a city?'
'You came to Toy City and you didn't expect to meet toys?'
'I didn't know it was
Toy
City. All I knew was it was
the
City. Where things happened. Nothing much ever happened in the town where I lived. So I came here to seek my fortune.'
'Interesting concept,' said Eddie. 'I've never heard of anyone doing that before. But then, this is the first time that I've actually met anyone who came from outside the City.'
'Because no one ever reaches here,' said Jack.
'Why? Do they get lost?'
'No, eaten, mostly.'
Eddie shrugged. 'Well, I wouldn't know about that. All I know is what I am. I live in Toy City. Things are as they are.'
'But toys can't live. They can't be alive.'
'And why not?'
'Because they can't.'
'But why?'
'Because I say that they can't.'
Eddie Bear looked up at Jack.
And Jack looked down at Eddie.
Eddie Bear began to laugh.
And then, too, so did Jack.
'Shall we go and have that beer?' asked Eddie.
'Yes,' said Jack. 'Let's do that.'
4
Tinto's Bar looked no better to Jack on second viewing.
The interior was still the black and white equivalent of monochrome and the chairs and tables were still arranged in pleasing compositions. But the scale of everything was still all wrong and Jack had to duck his head once more, and keep it ducked. And all those
toys
were still there. And all those toys still worried Jack.
The lad steadied himself against the nearest wall. There was no longer any doubt in his mind regarding the reality of this. It
was
real. That it couldn't be real did not enter into it. He was here and all these toys were...
'Drunk!' Jack looked down at Eddie. 'All these toys are drunk.'
Eddie looked up at Jack. And Eddie shrugged. 'It's late,' he said. 'They've been in here all evening. Don't folk get drunk where you come from?'
'People do,' said Jack. 'But not...'
'Don't start all that again. Buy me a drink.'
'I don't have any money. I was robbed.'
'You've some coins in your trouser pocket. I felt them when you were unconscious.'
'What?'
'I was trying to bring you round.'
'You were going through my pockets?'
'Not me,' said Eddie. 'No can do. No opposing thumbs.'
Jack patted at his trousers.
'Other side,' said Eddie.
'Oh yeah,' said Jack, digging deeply into a pocket and winkling out a number of coins. 'That's a bit of luck.'
'Stick with me, kidder,' said Eddie. 'I'll bring you lots of luck.'
Jack gazed down at the shabby-looking bear and nodded his ducked head in a manner that lacked conviction.
'To the bar,' said Eddie, leading the way. 'Let's both get as drunk as.'
Jack followed on, keeping his head down and making furtive sideways glances as he did so. There were toys to all sides of him, and just a little below. They were chatting away in a rowdy fashion, banging their glasses on the tables and generally carrying on as folk carry on anywhere when they are well in their cups.
There were dolls and there were gollys, teddies and toy soldiers, and fluffy-faced animals of indeterminate species. And they all had that look of 'favourite toys' which
'This can't be happening. I must have gone mad.'
'Yeah, well,' said Eddie. 'Perhaps you are mad. -It's a shame. A real shame. Perhaps it would be better if we just went our separate ways. I wondered, I suppose. But perhaps I was wrong. I think I'll say goodbye.'
'Wondered?' said Jack. 'What did you wonder?'
'If, perhaps, you'd be the one. To help. It was only a thought. A drunken thought, probably. Forget it.'
'How can I forget it? I don't know what it was.'
'I need a partner,' said Eddie the Bear. 'I'm in a bit of a fix and I need a partner. I thought perhaps... But it doesn't matter. Go home, Jack. Go back to wherever you came from. This isn't the place for you to be. You don't understand about here. Sleep in this alley tonight, then go home, that's my advice to you.'
'I'm sorry,' said Jack. 'But I'm really confused. Real toys? Live toys? Living in a city?'
'You came to Toy City and you didn't expect to meet toys?'
'I didn't know it was
Toy
City. All I knew was it was
the
City. Where things happened. Nothing much ever happened in the town where I lived. So I came here to seek my fortune.'
'Interesting concept,' said Eddie. 'I've never heard of anyone doing that before. But then, this is the first time that I've actually met anyone who came from outside the City.'
'Because no one ever reaches here,' said Jack.
'Why? Do they get lost?'
'No, eaten, mostly.'
Eddie shrugged. 'Well, I wouldn't know about that. All I know is what I am. I live in Toy City. Things are as they are.'
'But toys can't live. They can't be alive.'
'And why not?'
'Because they can't.'
'But why?'
'Because I say that they can't.'
Eddie Bear looked up at Jack.
And Jack looked down at Eddie.
Eddie Bear began to laugh.
And then, too, so did Jack.
'Shall we go and have that beer?' asked Eddie.
'Yes,' said Jack. 'Let's do that.'
4
Tinto's Bar looked no better to Jack on second viewing.
The interior was still the black and white equivalent of monochrome and the chairs and tables were still arranged in pleasing compositions. But the scale of everything was still all wrong and Jack had to duck his head once more, and keep it ducked. And all those
toys
were still there. And all those toys still worried Jack.
The lad steadied himself against the nearest wall. There was no longer any doubt in his mind regarding the reality of this. It
was
real. That it couldn't be real did not enter into it. He was here and all these toys were...
'Drunk!' Jack looked down at Eddie. 'All these toys are drunk.'
Eddie looked up at Jack. And Eddie shrugged. 'It's late,' he said. 'They've been in here all evening. Don't folk get drunk where you come from?'
'People do,' said Jack. 'But not...'
'Don't start all that again. Buy me a drink.'
'I don't have any money. I was robbed.'
'You've some coins in your trouser pocket. I felt them when you were unconscious.'
'What?'
'I was trying to bring you round.'
'You were going through my pockets?'
'Not me,' said Eddie. 'No can do. No opposing thumbs.'
Jack patted at his trousers.
'Other side,' said Eddie.
'Oh yeah,' said Jack, digging deeply into a pocket and winkling out a number of coins. 'That's a bit of luck.'
'Stick with me, kidder,' said Eddie. 'I'll bring you lots of luck.'
Jack gazed down at the shabby-looking bear and nodded his ducked head in a manner that lacked conviction.
'To the bar,' said Eddie, leading the way. 'Let's both get as drunk as.'
Jack followed on, keeping his head down and making furtive sideways glances as he did so. There were toys to all sides of him, and just a little below. They were chatting away in a rowdy fashion, banging their glasses on the tables and generally carrying on as folk carry on anywhere when they are well in their cups.
There were dolls and there were gollys, teddies and toy soldiers, and fluffy-faced animals of indeterminate species. And they all had that look of 'favourite toys' which