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has a job.
    Step two: Get on first-name terms with everybody at the employment insurance place.
    But most of all, don’t get down on yourself. Try to look on the bright side of being unemployed. Your time’s your own. No traffic problems—you wake up in the morning and you’re there.
    When I was between jobs, from early June of 1982 to late August of 1989, I managed to keep my head up. A lot of people are working hard making money doing something they don’t enjoy (work), whereas you’re taking it easy making zip doing something you love (nothing). It’s not such a bad trade-off.
TIPS FOR INVESTORS
    T hinking of investing in the stock market? Or mutual funds? Or land in Florida? Here are some things to look for and some things to avoid in any opportunity.
Good Signs
    • Your investment is insured.
    • The investment company is using its own letterhead, not stationery from a local motel.
    • Other investors include large companies, well-known business figures, and members of organized crime.
    • The mutual fund never invests in Canadian-made movies or sitcoms.
Bad Signs
    • The salesman only lets you read every other page of the documents you have to sign.
    • The salesman wears a paper bag on his head.
    • The fine print on the contract is in a foreign language.
    • Your investment counsellor drives a pink Cadillac with huge fuzzy dice, a fun fur interior, and the licence plate “TUFF Guy.”
    • The head of the fund has to borrow cab fare to get home.
    • They promise a million percent annual profit on your investment.
IN PRAISE OF OLDER MOWERS
    W hen I was a kid, we had an old pull-start lawn mower. You’d tie a knot in one end of a rope and hook that into the hub on top, and then give it a good yank. Sometimes, if your brother was standing too close, the knotted end of the rope would whip out and nail him in the groinal area. That was always good for a laugh. Eventually the knot would break off and you’d have to tie another and then another, and in time, the rope got too short to use. So you’d go to the hardware store and buy a new piece and start the process all over again. It was inconvenient and sometimes irritating, but on the other hand, you always knew how to fix the problem, and that made you feel strong and in control.
    Now, of course, we all have electric-start riding mowers. That’s progress. They’re way easier to start and they do a better, faster cutting job. The downside is that when something goes wrong you have no idea how to fix it, and that makes you feel weak and out of control. Plus, when you nail your brother in the groinal area with one of those babies, it can be serious.
HER CAR, YOUR FAULT
    S he scrimped and saved her own money for two years to buy that car. She did not give you permission to drive it. But you just had to go behind her back and take it for a drive anyway, didn’t you? And you just had to go to a lumberyard and pick up two sheets of drywall and then try to jam them into that tiny little hatchback. And you just had to rip the upholstery on the roof. Now what are you going to tell her? Well, you’re not going to tell her anything. Not yet. First you have to ditch the drywall, hop back in the car, and go pick up her three nephews. Yes, those three rotten, destructive children of Satan. Take them out somewhere for ice cream and pop and chocolate. Lots of chocolate. And make sure they spend at least an hour in her car. By the time those hyenas are done, your rip on the roof liner’s going to look like an afterthought. That’ll get you off the hook. How can she get mad at you? You were just trying to give her nephews a treat. It’s not your fault they’re destructive, nasty little sociopaths. They’re family.
TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE NON-COMMUNICATIVE
    1) When you phone somebody, you’re hoping to get his voicemail.
    2) You never ask anyone a question because you have no interest in her answer.
    3) When you have a passenger in your car, you turn the radio