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him away. But with strangers, it can be hard to tell. So here are some signs that indicate this guy has no idea what he’s doing:
    • He stares at the machine for more than ten minutes without moving or speaking.
    • He tells you to shut the machine off.
    • He finds a control and turns it a little and waits. Then he turns it a lot and waits. Then he turns it back to its original position.
    • He burns himself on something and pretends it never happened.
    • He sprays the entire machine and surrounding area with oil.
    • He hides his tool box.
    • As soon as another man arrives on the scene, he backs away just far enough that he regresses from participant to observer.
A WORD TO YOUNG DRIVERS
    I know that we have a lot of young people out there reading this book as some sort of punishment, so here are a few tips on driving from someone a little older who’s been down the road a time or two.
    Let’s say you’ve just got your driver’s licence and you’re excited as heck about that, and the next thing you know, you’ve stolen a car. And naturally you go over to your high school to do a little showing off—doing doughnuts and figure eights in the flowerbeds, up on two wheels and then in through the front doors so you can peel rubber up and down the halls. I know that may sound like a lot of fun, but please play it smart: wear your seat belt.
ANOTHER WORD TO YOUNG DRIVERS
    I know a lot of you teenagers would kill to have your own car, but I’m hoping that won’t be necessary. Cheap cars are always available through one of those drug lord used car dealers or the police, or if that fails, just call up the hospital and see if anybody who’s in intensive care would like to sell their car. You’ll find something—just as long as you’re not picky about the make or the colour or the stains on the seats. Once you get the car, fill out the insurance form and list your grandmother as principal driver. Get yourself a part-time job at the gas station and take a coupleof gallons of your work home with you every night. Make friends with one of the ratchetheads in auto shop and date a girl with money and you’ll have the best summer of your life. And you’ll have some great stories to tell the judge in traffic court.
TATTOOS: A PERMANENTLY STUPID IDEA
    Y oung people, it’s me again. I know a lot of you feel you have to rebel and be obnoxious and embarrass your parents in restaurants, but that’s just a normal part of growing up and finding your place in the world, especially when your parents throw you out. Whereas getting a tattoo is stupid.
    Now, I don’t mean one of those temporary transfer dealies in the box of Crunchie Critters. I’m talking about a carnival-booth, skin-carved, sober-up-and-scream-about-it tattoo. A tattoo is basically a liquid sliver. And the liquid is permanent ink. Getting a tattoo is like sucking on a pen with your whole body.
    And it’s painful. There are only two things more painful than getting a tattoo: getting two tattoos, and getting either of them removed. Maybe there’s some appeal in getting “Guns N’ Roses” tattooed on your butt, but sixty years from now, in the middle of your hemorrhoid operation, you’re going to find out why it’s not a good idea to get your surgeon laughing.
HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU’RE BEING OBNOXIOUS
    S ometimes when a man reaches middle age, he gets a little full of himself. Maybe he’s been reasonably successful at work, has a nice home and family, and hasn’t raised any convicted felons,so he starts thinking that he knows it all. This ticks off everyone around him, and ironically, he’s the last one to notice. So watch for the following signs that indicate you’re getting obnoxious:
    • People at work volunteer you for a climb of Mount Everest.
    • When you talk to the neighbours they run away, pretending to hear their phones ring.
    • On Valentine’s Day, you’re given a box of prunes.
    • When the two of you travel, your Wife insists that