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up as loud as it will go.
    4) You spend a lot of time alone in the garage.
    5) When you have something to say, you speak loudly without taking a pause and then quickly exit the room.
    6) Email is your favourite method of communication because you can say whatever you want without interruption and then delete the reply without reading it.
    7) Instead of saying “Good morning” when you come upon someone you know walking in the street, you pretend to see something important in the distance and start running toward it.
    8) Your office phone has been set on voicemail since 1991.
    9) On the rare occasion when you send greeting cards, you don’t sign them.
    10) You wear headphones that aren’t plugged into anything.
WHY MEN WON’T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
    I need to talk to all you ladies out there to help you understand why we men do the things we do. For example, why won’t we stop and ask for directions when we’re lost? It all comes down to pride. We’re out there driving around in our own vehicle, burning gas, wearing sunglasses, looking good. People who see usdriving by would never guess that we have no idea where we are. And we don’t want to tell them.
    A man doesn’t enjoy the thought of going up to total strangers and saying, “You may not know this, but I’m a moron.” In contrast, the woman he’s travelling with is often eager to share this knowledge with the world. It somehow eases her burden.
    To a woman, getting lost on a trip is a blameless act of nature; to a man, it’s a personal failure. He knew where he was when he left home, but he doesn’t know where he is now. Somewhere along the way, he crossed the line from the world he knows into the world he doesn’t know. This is how he felt when he got married or had kids. If he admits he’s lost in the car, he’ll have to admit that he’s lost everywhere, and that’s way too much to ask. So just bite your tongue and circle the block a few more times. Men aren’t lost—they just go the long way round.
THE SEVEN STAGES OF PARKING
    W hat are we all looking for as we drive down the highway of life? A decent place to park.
Stage One
    You’re a kid. All you have to park is your butt.
Stage Two
    You’re a teenager and you park with a girl who has a good chance of becoming your future wife.
Stage Three
    You’re married with kids and are parking a minivan at the McDonald’s with the play area.
Stage Four
    The kids are grown and working at McDonald’s. You’ve got a sports car and are caught parking with a girl who has no chance of becoming your future wife. This leads immediately to …
Stage Five
    You’re parking in the garage, where you’re also living for a while.
Stage Six
    You’re old—no car, no licence, no parking spot.
Stage Seven
    You’re parked. Permanently. In your own space. Even has your name over it.
AN EXTRAORDINARY MAN
    I was watching one of those biography shows on television this week, and they called this particular guy an “extraordinary man.” I was intimidated. But on the other hand, my wife says being a man isn’t a particularly high calling. So being an “extraordinary” one might be even worse.
    Let’s break the word down: “extra”—which means superfluous, waste, one too many (I’ve been there)—and “ordinary”—which means common, average, nothing special. When you put them together, you get “extraordinary,” which must mean being completely average in a totally superfluous way.
    So I’ve decided that I am extraordinary too. And so are most of my friends. I’m just amazed that somebody like me became the subject of a television show.
HOW TO TELL WHEN A MAN IS CLUELESS
    A ttention ladies—men are drawn to machines like moths to a flame. Especially if the machine is broken. However, when a woman has a broken machine, the last thing she needs is an interfering guy who has no idea what he’s doing. It’s fine if that guy is her husband or her neighbour, because then she knows he’s an idiot and can keep