The Golden Notebook

Read The Golden Notebook for Free Online

Book: Read The Golden Notebook for Free Online
Authors: Doris Lessing
that moment she broke it off with him finally. And the moment you had her safe, you lost interest and went back to the secretaries on the fancy divan in your beautiful big business office. And you think it's so unjust that Marion is unhappy and makes scenes and drinks more than is good for her. Or perhaps I should say, more than is good for the wife of a man in your position. Well, Anna, is there anything new since I left a year ago?' Richard said angrily: 'There's no need to make bad theatre of it.' Now that Anna was coming in, and it was no longer a battle with his former wife, he was angry. 'Richard came to ask me if I thought it was justified for him to send Marion away to some home or something. Because she was such a bad influence on the children.' Molly drew in her breath. 'You didn't, Richard?' 'No. But I don't see why it's so terrible. She was drinking heavily about that time and it's bad for the boys. Paul-he's thirteen now, after all, found her one night when he got up for a drink of water, he found her unconscious on the floor, tight.' 'You were really thinking of sending her away?' Molly's voice had gone blank, empty even of condemnation. 'All right, Molly, all right. But what would you do? And you needn't worry-your lieutenant here was as shocked as you are, Anna made me feel as guilty as you like.' He was half-laughing again, though ruefully. 'And actually, when I leave you I ask myself if I really do deserve such total disapproval? You exaggerate so, Molly. You talk as if I'm some sort of Bluebeard. I've had half a dozen unimportant affairs. So do most of the men I know who have been married any length of time. Their wives don't take to drink.' 'Perhaps it would have been better if you had in fact chosen a stupid and insensitive woman?' suggested Molly. 'Or you shouldn't have always let her know what you were doing? Stupid! She's a thousand times better than you are.' 'It goes without saying,' said Richard. 'You always take it for granted that women are better than men. But that doesn't help me much. Now look here Molly, Marion trusts you. Please see her as soon as you can, and talk to her.' 'Saying what?' 'I don't know. I don't care. Anything. Call me names if you like, but see if you can stop her drinking.' Molly sighed, histrionically, and sat looking at him, a look of half-compassionate contempt around her mouth. 'Well I really don't know,' she said at last. 'It is really all very odd. Richard why don't you do something? Why don't you try to make her feel you like her, at least? Take her for a holiday or something?' 'I did take her with me to Italy.' In spite of himself, his voice was full of resentment at the fact he had had to. 'Richard,' said both women together. 'She doesn't enjoy my company,' said Richard. 'She watched me all the time-I can see her watching me all the time, for me to look at some woman, waiting for me to hang myself. I can't stand it.' 'Did she drink while you were on holiday?' 'No, but...' 'There you are then,' said Molly, spreading out her flashing white hands, which said, What more is there to say? 'Look here Molly, she didn't drink because it was a kind of contest, don't you see that? Almost a bargain-I won't drink if you don't look at girls. It drove me nearly around the bend. And after all, men have certain practical difficulties- I'm sure you two emancipated females will take this in your stride, but I can't make it with a woman who's watching me like a jailor... getting into bed with Marion after one of those lovely holiday afternoons was like an I'll-dare-you-to-prove-yourself contest. In short, I couldn't get a hard on with Marion. Is that clear enough for you? And we've been back for a week. So far she's all right. I've been home every evening, like a dutiful husband, and we sit and are polite with each other. She's careful not to ask me what I've been doing or who I've been seeing. And I'm careful not to watch the level in the whisky bottle. But when she's not in the room I

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