It’s so sweet, yet I can feel the emptiness inside me growing larger. I swallow it down, pushing myself forward with no end in sight.
When I step inside, it looks like Jaime has already claimed his stuff. What he didn’t take, he thrashed. The house looks like shit but all my boxes are where I left them. It’s a good thing I got most of my packing done early. The movers are right on time, and I instruct them to load the things I want to take. I’m hopeful that I can get this finished today, and be done with this house forever. I move through the rooms filling boxes with the things I plan to donate. When I reach my room, I’m left starring at the beautiful black wooden furniture set that Odin got me. It’s painful how much I miss being with him in this bed. I shut the door behind me, and lay down on the bed. Pulling one of the pillows to my face, I inhale the scent, a heavenly mix of Old Spice mixed with hard working man.
I don’t want to lose it, so I carefully pull the sheets off the mattress, and tuck all the bedding into a ball to take in my car. First I finish going through my room. Jaime must have found all his things in the other room as most of our bedroom seems untouched. Except the guns are gone from my bedside drawer. I have one in my purse and one in my safety deposit box. I check my jewelry drawer and find my wedding ring gone, along with a lot of the other jewelry that came from Jaime. And the few hundred dollars I had tucked in it are gone. I think it’s more his way of reminding me he can do what he wants, and I can’t do anything about it. Stupid fucking asshole.
My arms are filled sheets when I walk out the front door and see Odin standing on the street, leaning on his truck. My heart skips a beat. The numbness inside me dissipates in an instant, leaving me vulnerable and open.
“Moving?” he asks surprised.
“Yea, escrow closes soon.” I try not to look him in the eye as I walk towards my car. Odin races ahead of me to open the passenger door for me.
“Did you find a place already?”
“Yea, I’m renting a condo from my boss.” It hurts to carry on light conversation with Odin. Every part of me wants to reach for him, and hold him, and feel his embrace, to be safe. Carrying on like I’m not still madly in love with him is torture. I wonder if he stills feels the same about me. He looks like he’s lost sleep. There are dark circles under his eyes. Maybe he’s just been drinking.
“Do you need help with anything?”
It’s polite of him to ask.
“No, that’s what the movers are for.” I have to stay cold. I have to make him believe I don’t love him, even though I do with all my heart.
“I just want you to know I’m still here for you,” he says. I feel like someone is literally squeezing my heart in my chest, and it fucking hurts. Odin is like a magnet. My heart, and everything inside me is pulled to him, tied to him. Resisting him, goes against my every instinct.
For the first time in a while, I actually want to cry. But I can’t, he’ll figure out the truth.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
He takes his hand, and places it on my shoulder to demand my attention. I stare into his cold blue eyes, seeing a storm of emotions behind them. Mostly, he looks lost. I can’t bear to look at him like this, so I cast my eyes at the ground instead, feeling ashamed. I know it’s not my fault, what Jaime did, but I feel the guilt of hiding it anyway.
“Why won’t you look at me?”
“Why did you come here?” I glare at him with two eyes as cold as his.
“Because, whatever happened between us, I want to work it out. If you’ll just talk to me, give me a chance Lila. I…” For a moment I think he’s about to say ‘I love you’.
I shake my head, closing my eyes and fighting back tears. I can’t let him go there. It’ll only make it worse. I wonder if he knew what happened, if he’d even still want me. Without my blanket of numbness closely wrapped around me, I’m open