Read Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. for Free Online

You wake him, you take him.”
    In a house full of toys and games and books and
stuffed animals, the only thing my son wants to play with is the power button
on my television set. Try and hide that button from your kid.  He will find it
and he will push it 84 times in a row. Then he will scream at the top of his
lungs when you pull him away and tell him no.  He'll get over it fairly
quickly, and then proceed right back towards that television set, and the
vicious cycle will begin again.  I hope you have a DVR, because as long as that
button is in your child's sight, you're not watching anything. 
    Not only will the television power button be
irresistible, but so will the remote control.  Something with lots of buttons
that he can hold in his hand and drag all around the house will be everything
to your little one. He'll be randomly changing channels, the volume will be
non-existent, sonic boom and everywhere in between, and he will be changing
your video settings before you know it.  Baby plus remote control equal a mini
mommy nervous breakdown. Especially when you can't figure out how he got the
SAP into permanent mode.   Get a second remote minus the batteries for baby to
play with.  He will still have lots of fun and you will maintain your sanity
knowing your real remote is stored safely, far away from sticky toddler hands.
    First Christmas and first Birthday with your
baby will be so much fun.  You and your family members will do everything to
make it a memorable experience. There will be mounds of wrapping paper for your
little one to crinkle and toys everywhere.  Literally.  Toys everywhere.  But
seriously with the toy packaging? It literally took me 15 minutes just to get
the thing out of the plastic shrink wrap.  Now I need to dig out my pliers to
pry the cable ties off?  Crap, I also need a screwdriver to open the battery
compartment.  And not just a regular screwdriver.  One of those tiny Phillips
head ones that only computer technicians keep in their briefcases.  And I need
to do all of this while my kid is having a fit wanting to play with the toy
that he wants so badly? Thanks a lot toy companies. You suck.  Don't you have
any moms that work for you?
    I will say that as sucky as it is to open all
those toys, it's super entertaining to watch my husband try to put the stuff
together.  Just seeing him trying to read the instruction manual is like
watching a Jim Carrey comedy. “Hold on a second honey – I'm going to make some
popcorn.”
    Decide immediately whether you will be telling
people what you plan on naming your baby and stick to it!  Let them know right
away if you do not want to divulge that information before baby arrives.  If
you don't put people in their place they will be up your ass every day for that
sacred tidbit.  You could always tease them and just give them the letter his
or her name starts with, but that may be worse.......  Madison? Madeline?
Maryanne? Mabel? At every family function.  Every day at work.  Who knows, maybe
your one of those people who enjoys feeling like pulling their hair out.   If
that’s the case, then just go for it.
    As soon as you have your baby the whole world is
going to start asking you when you are having another one.  You will literally
be cringing from your brand new vaginal stitches and your great grandmother
will be putting on the pressure.  They don't think about what you just went
through, what you're about to go through, or about your hospital deductible. 
Now that you've made your extended family larger by one you will officially be
considered the new baby factory.  It's been a year and a half for me and I
currently have zero desire to put my body through all of that again.  They say
you forget the pain, but I'm not quite convinced of that yet.  I've allowed
them to ask me again when my son turns five.  Maybe by then I'll be willing to
have my vagina torn to shreds again.
    When you have a child, especially a brand new
baby,