Read Tales of a First Time Mom: A collection of all the crap the baby books didn't tell me. Some gross, some funny, all absolutely true. for Free Online Page B

child will be left motherless and poor.  So you
make that appointment.  You have the physical as part of the process.  You get
your Life Insurance and your baby is protected.  Then, for some reason you
still think about every single horrible scenario that could occur. Every day. 
All the time.  Congratulations!  You and your husband have Life Insurance and
as a bonus gift you get to obsess about how you are going to die for the rest
of your life.  
    First baby?  Find out if your insurance provider
will pay for any home care nurse visits.  If they do include them in your
policy take it! It is a fantastic service if it is afforded to you – especially
if you're first time parents.  Some homely lady will come over and take your
babies measurements, teach you all about feeding, breastfeeding, bathing your
little one, and caring for the umbilical cord stump until it falls off.  Also,
if you have a boy she will educate you about caring for his circumcision, (if
he had one) which is quite scary when you first see the wound.  It actually is
kind of nice to have someone visit and teach you something that you need to
know rather than just ogle over your little bundle of joy and bring you
casseroles. 
    If you are a formula mom find a place to store
all of the empty plastic powder containers because you are going to find
yourself keeping all of them.  You are certain you will use them to organize
something someday..... Right?  I absolutely do have a stash of them, along with
a stash of empty snack tubes.  I honestly don't know what I am going to do with
them, but right now I just cannot bring myself to get rid of them.  Please
don't contact that Hoarders television show on me.  I promise that my
collection of formula containers is nothing compared to my husband’s collection
of video games.
     
     

CHAPTER TEN
    For The Boys
     
     If your husband or partner has not seen one of
those gory, real life delivery videos I suggest  he watch one.  A little bit of
preparation for the shear amount of blood involved in childbirth is better than
none at all and the last thing you need is the only person you actually want
there with you during the whole ordeal passed out on the floor or vomiting
courtesy of their queasy stomach.  While my husband did not pass out, he came
really close and the first thing he says to anyone when we re-live our labor
story is “I had no idea how bloody it would be!  It was gross and nauseating.”
    There's no doubt about it.  Your husband is
going to have a sympathy baby.  Probably a fifteen pounder.  The fact that he
has developed a little bubble gut is no doubt going to upset him, but you'll
get a teeny giggle out of it and in all honestly it will help you feel a little
less like a big fat troll. See, the husbands can be helpful.
    Swaddling is adorable.  Wrapping up those little
bundles of joy up like little baby burritos is the cutest thing on earth, but
most guys cannot swaddle for crap!  They make an attempt and those babies look
what’s the word..... sloppy.  Learn to swaddle before baby comes and teach your
husband to do it properly. Make him practice practice practice.  If it's not
happening, get those sleep sacks.  They may very well be the greatest baby
invention of our time.
    Guys – Let’s talk push presents.  It's a great
concept.  Husband buys his wife a gift for carrying and having his child.  It
is usually presented in the hospital while wife is feeling at her absolute
worst, all decked out in the finest of hospital gowns, vagina throbbing.  It is
usually something sparkly like a ring or a necklace. Jewelry is great.  Women
love jewelry. Women love to sparkle.  But the single greatest push present you
can get for your wife is a housekeeper.  A solid month (at least) of not having
to clean up after  you and your giant messes along with baby poop, extra
laundry, 2am feedings, and extreme exhaustion will make your lady happy. And we
all know the saying, “happy