Read Star for Free Online Page B

turn the other way most of the time" "I understand," Cat said in a quivering small
voice. She was holding her attention on me. "You do? That's good, because I don't," I said.
She just continued to stare, but I felt she was looking
at her own memories now, not mine. After a moment
she seemed to snap out of it and look down again. "Granny came by often to help out and
occasionally make us a real good dinner:' I continued. "She and Momma had some big fights, but Momma would wail and claim she was doing the best she could, deserted by a husband and left with two kids to
raise and support.
"'Why do you think that man left you?' Granny
would ask her and that would be the same as lighting
that wick again. Momma would go wild, her arms and
legs and even her head swinging so hard, I thought
they might just fly off her body and bounce against
the wall along with her screams.
"'How can my own mother blame me for that
rotten man? Why is it always my fault? He was the
one who made all them promises, wasn't he? I did the
best I could with the little money he brought us. Lots
a times he brought us nothin' because he was out of
work so much. It's no loss him bein' gone, no ma'am.' "On and on she would go and I'd listen and
wonder if she really believed the things she said.
Maybe her eyes saw differently. Maybe she was just a
step or two off-center and her world was running on a
different track, you know. She always looked so
satisfied with herself after one of those explosions of
temper, like she had made important points and shut
everyone up. That's when I began to understand what
was meant when someone said 'You're only fooling yourself.' Momma really was fooling herself. She truly believed she was the victim and not us, not even me and Rodney. We were . . . just unfortunate enough
to be born.
"Like I said, I guess no matter what your life is
like, you can get used to it and just accept things as
they are. Of course, I knew other girls my age didn't
have this kind of life. Oh, they helped out with their
little brothers and sisters, but their little brothers and
sisters didn't become their children. They still thought
about boys and parties and going to the movies and
having fun. I couldn't think of anything without
thinking about Rodney being a part of it. I didn't have
a night off, so to speak," I said. "I was afraid of
bringing anyone to my house. I didn't want my friends
at school to know just how bad things were for me
and for Rodney.
"Then," I said, taking a sip of water and
thinking for a moment, "then I got so I could live
through their stories. Their lives became my life. It
was easier to pretend, to imagine my name was Lily
Porter or Charlene Davis and in my mind go home to
their houses and live with their families.
"You're all looking at me like I was crazy.
Well, maybe I was for a while. Doctor Marlowe says
I'm not crazy now."
"No one's crazy here, Star. It's an inappropriate
word, a meaningless word," she said.
"Yeah, maybe, but I sure wasn't in my right
mind. I did some things," I said. After a moment, I
added, "Things I haven't even told you yet, Doctor
Marlowe.
"Whenever I met someone who didn't know
me, for example, I would give them a phony name,
one of the names of the girls I envied and I would talk
like I was Lily Porter or Charlene Davis, describing
their homes and their families as if they really were
mine.
"A couple of times, I went to Charlene Davis's
house, walked right up to the door, pretending I was
coming home. One time, I nearly got caught doing it.
Her sister Lori came up behind me without me
knowing and asked me what I was doing.
"'I was just going to see if your sister was
home,' I said. She looked at me sideways because she
knew I knew her sister was on the cheerleading team
and would be at practice. I made believe I forgot and
walked away quickly. When Charlene asked me about
it the next day, I said I was just in her neighborhood
and had to kill some time. She didn't believe me. They
all started looking at