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about building a couch fort. Maybe I should build a couch fort on the set of my show and have my guests talk to me inside the fort. That would be fun and entertaining and we should probably do it in our pajamas.
    Once I realize that my mind has started to wander I stop and try to do what I’m supposed to do when that happens—focus on the third eye. Guess what? That makes me think about how great it would be to have a third eye. Would I want it on my forehead or on the back of my head? Maybe on the top of my head. No, ’cause of rain. What if my lips were eyes? Then I’d get a lot more crumbs in my eyes, but I’d be able to get a really good look at what I’m eating. Just as I’m designing a pair of sunglasses in my head for my lip-eyes, the teacher hits the gong and I jump. I almost yell, “Oh my God!” but because I’m smart I yell, “Ohmmmmm!” I’m the only one chanting, but the class just thinks I’m really into meditation. The ohm actually calms me down so I leave feeling great. I’m peaceful, relaxed, and in a great mood. And now you see why it’s so great to meditate.
    Not to mention how much I think my memory has improved. It used to be terrible. I was never very good at remembering people—even people I had met before and even people who had been a guest on my show. I could spend an entire night at a fancy Hollywood party talking to someone and when Portia would ask, “Who did you talk to?” I would have to shrug and say, “It was either Marcia Cross or Zac Efron.”
    Now my memory is much, much better. I’ll tell you more about that in a second. My phone’s ringing. I’ll be right back.

Meditation

    Ahhhhh. Doesn’t that feel better?

Guided Meditation

    L et’s begin by getting in a comfortable position.
    Sit or lie down and close your eyes.
    Or if you’re driving, keep your eyes open and fast forward through this chapter.
    Now breathe in through your nose. Mmmmm. Doesn’t that smell nice hopefully?
    Now exhale through your mouth.
    If you’re on a crowded bus, apologize to the person whose face you just blew in.
    Quietly say, “I’m sorry I just blew in your face.”
    And relax.
    Feel your breath moving through your body.
    We’re inhaling energy. And we’re exhaling stress.
    Breathe in positivity and light. Breathe out negative thoughts like traffic… or flight delays… or bad service at a restaurant… or frustration with your boss… or a fight with your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend… or money woes… or getting your car towed… or losing at Scrabble… or getting left at the altar… or finding out about a wheat allergy… or having one of your favorite socks stolen out of the dryer… or depression.
    Don’t dwell on any of those thoughts that I mentioned.
    Say good-bye negative thoughts. We’ll see you another time.
    Now relax your mind.
    You’re in a meadow. A beautiful meadow with bright green blades of grass and no ticks.
    It’s peaceful and quiet. Listen to the wind blow across the meadow.
    Do you hear it? That was an airplane. Listen closer. Listen to the leaves rustle and the snakes slither. No, not snakes. There are no snakes in this meadow. I shouldn’t have said snakes.
    Slow down your mind. Slower. Think about how slow you have to drive when there’s someone on a bicycle in front of you in the middle of your lane. Are you annoyed? Don’t be.
    Today it’s not annoying. Today it’s peaceful.
    Start to float above the meadow. Whoa. Look at that. You’re floating. Are you scared of heights? Don’t think about that.
    Picture your wallet falling out of your pocket. You don’t care. Let your wallet go.
    A stranger picked it up, took the money out, and left the wallet behind. Let it go. You didn’t need that money.
    You’re floating peacefully above the meadow.
    As it turns out, there was a tick but it didn’t bite you. So you’re breathing out relief.
    Feel the energy around you.
    Now you’re floating above water. There’s a creek in the meadow. Or