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it’s great that she started to cook. Mostly because I can’t. And it’s nice to have one person in the relationship who cooks because that way we can share responsibilities in the kitchen, like a lot of couples do. Portia cooks and I clean. Just kidding. I don’t clean. That’s gross.
    But I do think it’s great that she was so excited to learn something new. I recommend it to everybody. Learn a new instrument. Learn to paint. Learn puppetry. Or you can just learn new facts. I can teach you a few things right now that you might not know. First of all, did you know that a snail can sleep for three years? That’s why they move so slowly when they’re awake. They’re groggy. Did you know that raccoons have such nimble fingers they can not only open garbage can lids and turn doorknobs, they can untie shoelaces? Now you know why they’re so good at putting on eyeliner.
    Doesn’t it feel nice to stretch your mind a little bit? Now that you’ve done that, it’s time to move on to your body. Yoga is a great way to stretch your body. I try to do it every morning because it’s a great way to start the day. It gives me a lot of energy and now that I’ve been doing it for a while I’m pretty good at it. My downward dog is so excellent, I can’t show it on daytime television.
    There are all different kinds of yoga. There’s power yoga. There’s Bikram yoga, which makes you sweat a lot because it’s done in very hot rooms. You can always tell who does Bikram yoga because they’re stinky. But all yoga is based on Hatha yoga, which is what I do, and Hatha yoga is based on watching animals stretch in nature. I know what you’re thinking. “Ellen, I’ve seen my dog stretch out in certain ways to clean himself and I don’t want to do that.” That’s not the part yoga focuses on.
    The word “yoga” literally means “uniting,” because when you’re doing it you’re uniting your mind and your body. You can tell this almost immediately because your mind will be thinking, “Ouch, that hurts,” and your body will say, “I know.” And your mind will think, “You have to get out of this position.” And your body will say, “I agree with you, but I can’t right now. I think I’m stuck.”
    Another thing that is great for stretching out your mind and body is meditation. It helps improve your memory and it increases blood flow. It forces you to calm down and relax. There are a lot of different ways to meditate. You can do it by yourself, or you can do it with other people. I’m still talking about meditation. You can do it anywhere. All you have to do is close your eyes. So you probably shouldn’t do it while you’re driving or operating heavy machinery, but otherwise you’re good to go.
    Meditation requires a lot of focus and sometimes it is easy to get distracted. I’ve tried taking classes because I think it’s easier to meditate with other people. Being surrounded by good energy helps me focus and find positivity and happiness. But even then, I always want to open my eyes. Especially because there’s incense burning and I always think the room is on fire. So instead of focusing on my inner joy, I focus on trying to remember where the closest exits are. At some point, I do tend to open my eyes for a second just to see if the room’s on fire. Of course it isn’t but when my eyes are open I see two other people with their eyes open and I wonder how long they’ve had them open. Then I notice the giant gong and I think, “I wonder what happened to The Gong Show .” Chuck Barris hosted that show. What about that other Chuck? Not Chuck Barry. Chuck Woolery. He hosted the Love Connection . He did “two and two.” I wonder who came up with that. Did he? Was it a producer? Did he not know there was a number called “four”? That makes me start thinking about the number four. It’s interesting that “four” is spelled f-o-u-r but “forty” is spelled f-o-r-t-y. Then of course I immediately think