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them. It’s hard enough to keep up with the Kardashians.
    And people compare everything. It’s not just clothing. It’s who has a bigger house, who drives a faster car, who has a better job. People compare their bodies to other people, and not only that, they compare what’s on their bodies. Have you ever gotten a bruise or a scratch or a paper cut and shown someone else what happened? People immediately start stripping off their clothing to compare injuries.
    I once went into work and showed some producers a little bruise I got. The next thing I knew it was like Girls Gone Wild in my office. People were lifting up their shirts, rolling up their pants. Socks were coming off. “You think that’s bad—I walked into a tree yesterday!” “I banged my hip on a car door!” “I sat on a fork!” Don’t need to see it.
    People were showing me scars and beauty marks that were not at all beautiful. I’m gonna tell you all right now—even if your beauty mark is in the shape of a prize ribbon, I don’t need to see it. (Same goes for stretch marks, ladies. When you say “Look what my kids did to me,” I expect to see gum in your hair, not your whole midsection. And no, I will not rub cocoa butter on it.)
    Anyway, all I’m saying is I don’t see the sense in comparing ourselves to other people all the time. It’s not about being better than anyone else or having nicer things or bigger fork marks on your behind.
    I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush. I think it’s so much better to stand out in some way and to set yourself apart from the masses. It would be so boring to look out into the world and see hundreds of people who look and think exactly like me. If I wanted that, I could just sit in front of a mirror and admire my own reflection all day. That’s already how I spend my mornings. I don’t need to spend all of my time doing that.
    And who’s to say what’s better or worse anyway? Who’s to even say what’s normal or average? We’re all different people and we’re allowed to be different from one another. If someone ever says you’re weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don’t curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hat. That’ll show them.

Haiku

Haiku sounds like I’m
Saying hi to someone named
Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

Stretching

    T here’s one thing that should be essential to everyone’s daily routine. I’m sorry, two things: watching my talk show and stretching. Feel free to stretch while you watch my talk show, if you think it’s possible to take your eyes off me for even a second.
    Stretching can apply to so many different areas of our lives. Not only should we literally stretch our bodies so that things are less likely to snap off, we should also stretch our minds. I think it’s so important to keep our minds active and to constantly be learning new things. We shouldn’t just stop at high school. I mean, technically I did. But you understand what I’m saying.
    There are a lot of different ways to keep our minds active. A lot of people do crossword puzzles. Those are great for stimulating your brain. And other people love doing those really complicated and confusing puzzles where you have to place all the numbers and they have to add up. What’s that called? Oh yeah, math.
    I like to stretch my mind by reading and writing and watching educational TV shows like The Bachelor to learn the complex mating rituals of heterosexuals.
    Portia recently decided to learn something new. She taught herself how to cook. She didn’t take any lessons or classes or anything. She just figured it out on her own. And I know what you’re thinking—uh-oh. But she’s really good at it. Cooking isn’t an easy skill to learn. It can be very dangerous. There’s fire, there’s steam, there are sharp, sharp knives. Portia is down to three fingers but she never gave up and that’s why I love her.
    I think