guess Iâll follow up on and maybe get paid, maybe not. Either way, I feel like I owe it to him, that Iâd be dishonoring him somehow if I just gave up. But yeah, I might be out of a job.â
âIâm so sorry, Ruddy.â
âYeah, well, unemployed beats being in jail,â I responded somewhat pointedly.
Tomâs mouth became an unhappy line. âLook, Ruddy, your prescription is way more than six months old. I canât legally fill it.â
âBut if Schaumburg calls and you tell him I havenât been taking my meds, he says heâll violate me, and Iâll have to do the rest of my probation behind bars.â
Tom spread his hands. âI donât know what I can do.â
âWell,â I reasoned, âwhen Schaumburg calls you can say, âYes, Ruddy was just in here recently to pick up his meds.â Thatâs not a lie, it is why Iâm here.â
âWhat if he asks if youâve been taking your medications?â
âYou tell him the truth. You donât know. Hell, Tom, how would you know if anybody was taking their medications, really?â
âYouâre asking me to lie to a doctor. I could lose my license.â
âHe wants to put me in jail! Just for not taking some antipsychotic medication! Is that fair?â
âWhy havenât you been taking them?â Tom asked curiously.
I hesitated. I didnât want to tell him I was trying not to suppress Alanâs chances of coming back, because that would sound like I did need the meds. âI donât like their effect,â I finally replied evasively.
âRuddy ⦠Iâm sorry,â Tom said mournfully. âIf Schaumburg asks, Iâm going to have to tell him the truth. Thatâs just how it is.â
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
We held Miltâs memorial service at the funeral parlor owned by Katieâs mother, Marget. Katie begged off attending, saying she had to work, but I knew the real reason for her absence was that she did not want to risk having Marget try to talk to her. I didnât press the issue. Katie knew how much Milt meant to me, and I knew what Marget had done to Katie.
I saw her, though, Marget, standing silently in the back of the room. Her white-blond hair, thin and straight, could not have been more different from Katieâs curly reddish-brown locks, though they shared the same electric-blue eyes. Marget stared at me in a way I knew meant she was going to try to engage me in conversation, which I dreaded.
I met Kermitâs brother, Walt, for the first time. Walt looked a little like Milt, with pale skin and a lean body. Kermit was short and squat, the kind of guy coaches always thought would be tough to tackle but werenât. Where Kermitâs darker skin color came from, I did not know. Both men both spoke about their uncle, praising him for his generosity and kindness, and I thought about how good a friend Milt had been to me, splitting the repo fee from the bank fifty-fifty, though it was his truck and his lot and his reputation that we operated on. His wife, Trisha, sat in the front row and sort of sagged against a man I later learned was her brother.
When friends were invited to talk, I stood and told everyone that Milt was the only person who would give me a job when I got out of prison. That he cared about me and if we had a slow period, he would advance me some pay so I didnât starve. Milt would have been disappointed at the way his big tough repo manâs voice cracked, the way tears wet my cheeks, and how I had trouble finishing what I started out to say. Miltâs kindness and fatherly concern for me had propped me up when I was in danger of going into a dark spiral of my own.
And the money helped, too. Being a bouncer didnât pay well or oftenâBecky gave me some of the proceeds when she was in the black, but it wasnât as if I had a regular salary. I didnât mention the part