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his strong arm around her and pulled
her close, kissing her hair. "I'm no eighteen-year-old puppy. I want you
forever, Kate. I mean it."
    She remained limp and unresponsive in his embrace,
remembering the utter dejection and lost self-esteem that she'd felt until
Simon came along to distract her. "No, no. Don't take it the wrong
way." Her voice was pleading. "I know that was only a teen romance.
But I was wrong once. And I could be wrong again. So could you." She sat
upright and met his eyes with fervor. “We should be certain."
    She'd been wrong more than once. Maybe that's all she'd
had with Simon, too. A trivial childish romance. It was a lot easier to file
away their history when she thought of it that way. Wasn't it? But it felt like
so much more, and she couldn’t let it go.
    “I need a little more time to think this through.” Now
that Jay had asked the question, she had to make up her mind.
    Jay heaved a sigh. "Okay. Okay." His voice was
tight, determined. "I can't force you, can I? I'll give you the time you
need. But know that I am certain. And I'm not going away."
    Despite her doubts about the depth of their connection,
he was a good man and he truly loved her. It wouldn’t be a bad thing. She
should just say yes. She probably would. If only she could trust her own heart.
    ~*~
    After several desperate phone
messages, Kate had finally connected with her best friend on Sunday night for
dinner at their favorite cheap Italian restaurant on the Drive. They sat
huddled over a candle at a small red-gingham covered table in the corner of the
dimly lit room. All Alexa wanted to talk about was Jay and his proposal, while
Kate kept coming back to Simon and her reaction to him.
    "I know how much Simon meant to you," Alexa
said, pressing her hand over Kate's on the stained paper tablecloth. "But,
Katie. That was years ago. Why are you freaking out now? Especially now that
Jay has popped the question. Why does it matter anymore?"
    "This is not just any guy, Alex. You know . Nobody ever..."
Kate's stomach knotted into a hard fist, and her throat closed up, choking off
her words. It's Simon .
Kate lifted her large glass of red wine with a trembling hand and took another
big gulp, filling her nose with the sharp, dark cherry aroma.
    She had already drunk too much with dinner, hoping to
take the edge off her creeping anxiety, but it had only made her foggy and
confused. She needed Alexa's help to sort through the turmoil in her head.
They'd been friends forever. Alexa had stood by Kate through the tough years of
depression and counseling, and watched her put herself back together. Now Kate
needed to figure out how to respond to Jay, and how to move forward with some
kind of strategy to work this case, even with Simon there, like a shadow from
the past, week after week, messing with her head. But Alexa didn't know the
whole story. Filled with a vague dread, Kate looked up.
    Alexa's cropped dark hair swung as she shook her head in
confusion, her dark brows furrowed. "I know you had it bad for him, and I
understand what it's like to get dumped by a guy you think is hot, especially
when you're nineteen. It's happened to all of us. But... so what? What's so
special about Simon that you're still hung up on him after all these years? Why
can't you move on?"
    Kate studied the pattern of pasta sauce splats and red
wine arcs printed on the paper tablecloth. She ran her fingertip across yet
another drip that slid slowly down the side of the bowl, and put her finger in
her mouth to lick it off. Why? That was the question. She knew Alex didn't have
the whole picture. Would it help if she did? She swallowed the lump of fear
that formed in her throat.
    "I can't seem to get past it. Being in the room with
him, being able to see his face, his hands, hear his voice, look in his eyes,
if I dare. It rattles me completely." Kate looked at her trembling hands,
clenching them into fists. "I haven't had these anxiety attacks for years.
Not since I went