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her chest,
squeezing her heart until it fluttered like a dying bird, crushing the air from
her lungs. Her head flushed hot as a furnace. Her voice, when it emerged, was a
strangled whisper. "It means... it means I'll have to tell you a dark
secret."
    Alexa's tone twisted with sarcasm. "Something I
don't already know about you. Seriously? That exists?"
    A gust of embarrassed laughter escaped from Kate, merging
into a mangled groan. "Yeah." She bit down on her thumbnail.
"I'm so afraid you'll be angry with me Al."
    Alexa was suddenly wide awake and leaning in. "Kate?
What the fuck is it?"
    Kate glanced around them. The restaurant crowd was
thinning. Not many customers were left, and none were within earshot. She took
a few shaky Pranayama breaths to calm herself. "So. Remember back in third
year. When I got more and more crazy obsessed with him?"
    Alexa nodded slowly, pinching her eyes together.
    "Remember that party?"
    "Simon's birthday party. Where you dragged me even
though we didn't know anyone?"
    "Yeah. That's the one."
    "The one where I had to sleep in a chair half the
night, and then walk about ten kilometers home as the sun came up because you
slept with him and then desperately had to sneak out?"
    Kate's heart fell to the pit of her stomach like a rock.
"Yeah. That one." Trust Alexa to remember the humiliating details.
    Alexa pursed her lips. "I always did wonder about
that. You never mentioned him again.”
    "Nope.”
    "Oh, fuck. Did he do something nasty? I'll kill the
bastard."
    "No! No." Kate's breath came fast and shallow,
her vision narrowing and getting spotty. "Not like that. It was
unpleasant, that’s all. See... I pretty much threw myself at him that night. He
wasn't very friendly, but in the end we did go to his…. We hardly spoke. I
can’t remember… then we finally... you know..." she nodded, and Alexa
nodded back in understanding.
    "He was... angry, I guess? Kind of cold and mean. He
didn't hurt me.” She shook her head, not wanting Alex to misconstrue. Her voice
dropped to a whisper. “Not physically. But it was clear he didn't like me,
didn't really want me there. I cried the whole time, wishing for something I
couldn't have."
    "That's sick."
    Kate drew a deep shuddering breath, paused, and let it
out. "I still don't understand why he didn't ignore me or kick me out.
Just being a dumb guy, I guess–a lay is a lay. Anyway, it was confusing and
humiliating. I was devastated."
    "So that must be pretty uncomfortable for both of
you."
    Kate nodded, shrugged, feeling as though the room had
shrunk and Alexa and she sat huddled together in a small dark box without air.
Her skin felt raw and tight, as though she'd been peeled alive. "I have no
idea what he's thinking." She focused on Alex's eyes, worrying her cheek,
and hung on, knowing she could trust her friend with anything, and she'd be
okay. She'd be okay. "There's more."
    Alex exhaled and sat back, breaking eye contact.
    "Don't leave me, Alex." Kate reached out and
grabbed Alexa's hand.
    Alexa leaned in and placed her other hand on top of
Kate's, squeezing. "I'm still here, honey. You can tell me."
    "Something else happened to me that night. I
remembered something."
    "What do you mean?"
    "I didn't understand it at the time. It crept up
gradually. But something about that ugly night with Simon triggered delayed
recall. I started getting flashes. Fragments of something."
    Alexa nodded, and Kate could see the question in her
eyes, awareness dawning.
    "A memory of getting... raped… on a high school
trip, that I had essentially…forgotten… for years."
    Alexa sat stunned, her mouth open. "Is that even
possible? I read–"
    "I know. I thought so too. There's all kinds of
controversy and misinformation out there about the subject. But I know what I
experienced."
    Alexa's face crumpled in sympathy. "Oh, baby. Why
didn't you ever tell me?" Her eyes flooded with tears, triggering Kate's
own, which burned paths down her cheeks. A sob ripped from her chest,