Read Pirate Dave and his Randy Adventures (Career Ending Romance Spoof) for Free Online

to be a bad fucking idea. It burned like a motherfucker when he got it in his eye, but after flushing it out with Aquaman Water, he felt better. So much better, he decided to treat himself to Taco Yo Mama and a Stanley’s Junglejuice.
    Rumor of Laverne’s heroics made him wish he had a schlong again. She had singlehandedly beaten the living hell out of his entire crew and all fourteen pirates who had tried to commandeer what was rightfully his. He suspected she’d handed Shirley over without much fight. Those bitches hated each other.
    When his Johnson reappeared, he would definitely hump Laverne and then he would take her to Smiley Pete’s Weenie Shack or possibly Harry’s Hotdogs or Jimmy’s House of Fried Cheese or maybe even Cyndy’s Cylindrical Meat Sausage Shop. She deserved a nice night out on the town.
    Pirate Dave doubled over in pain. The area where his love muscle used to reside was burning and itching like a bad case of VD. “What is happening?” he bellowed, knocking over his Mindbendo gaming system in a frantic search for more bottled water, perhaps Aquawoman.
    The magic of vampire regeneration overtook him. His body dropped to the floor and he was unable to move. The only relief he had was the use of his thick hairy neck. This gift gave him the power to watch the miraculous miracle that was about to happen.
    Right before his not so puffy eyes, his divine rod began to grow back. Boy, he’d love to see the look on that troll’s face now. No one fucks with Pirate Dave’s pork sword. He watched with pride as his main vein grew back even larger than before! He smiled and winked at his pickle, his long-lost friend . . . But wait, what the hell was going on? Something was very, very wrong. He vaguely remembered reading about this in vampire school, but that was three hundred fucking years ago. This could not be happening!
    Pirate Dave screamed in anguish, “Nooooooooo.”
    But no matter how much he cried like a girl, shit still happened. Pirate Dave was not blessed with one tallywhacker . . . oh no, he was blessed with two. Two raging, erect ding-dongs. What in the hell was he supposed to do with two rock hard skin flutes? He didn’t know any women with two vaginas . . . but wait, maybe he did.

Chapter Twelve
     
    “Back hair is not a big turn on for me, but a painful waxing scene in my novel would be hot,” Mother Nature bubbled, her eyes shining bright with what some might mistake for insanity. “I shall create an entire city of rubber people. All entirely made from condoms. That shall be my nod to safe sex! Three of them will be vampires, three will be mole shifters, three warlocks, three zombies, three social workers, three giants and the rest will be midgets. I will lay out a world ripe for romance!”
    “Do you smoke crack?” the voice asked in disgust.
    “No. Why?” Mother Nature’s eyes narrowed.
    “No reason,” the voice cooed. “I came across an armless gypsy gremlin and she found the ship on the ocean for twenty-two dollars and fifty-six cents. She is far smarter than you.”
    “I beg to differ, you old over-botoxed hag. I have over eight hundred thousand dollars of your money in a Swiss bank account,” Mother Nature giggled. “Who you calling dumb?”
    “Damn it,” the voice hissed. “You are a horrible person.”
    “No worse than you and I’m much more attractive! Plus, I haven’t spent my immortality trying to kill two people I barely know.”
    “Oh, trust me I know . . . whatever, Mother Napels,” the voice snapped. “You’ve been worthless to me.”
    “Alright fine. And the name is Nature you imbecile. I do have a bit of news that might be helpful . . . ”
    The voice eyed her from her darkened corner. Mother Nature looked away. There were days when looking at a train wreck just didn’t appeal.
    “Pirate Dave has double the pleasure in his pants,” Mother Nature giggled.
    “And that’s supposed to help me how?”
    Mother Nature smirked and examined her