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manicure. “I just thought someone as cavernous as you’re rumored to be might find a man sporting two privates interesting.
    “I have no idea what you are referring to,” the voice glared with burning, reproachful and permanently open eyes.
    “Oh please, it’s no secret that your feminine section is rather, um . . . largish. I just thought you might want to think twice about destroying the entire ship. You might find quite a few uses for Pirate Dave and his deformity,” Mother Nature said.
    “Well, well, well, Mother Noodles, you may have earned your eight hundred thousand after all,” the voice cackled evilly. “Yesssssss, this is turning out to be a very fine day indeed.”

Chapter Thirteen
     
    Pirate Dave stared at the hat full of assholes and wondered who had sent him such a lovely and unusual gift. He considered trying to fuck them, but since they weren’t attached to anything, he decided against it.
    Apparently he had a secret admirer.
    He’d received daily gifts for a week, but none as glorious as the hat full of assholes. He was impressed and moved. Shirley was fit to be tied. She’d tried to tempt him away from thoughts of his admirer by swinging naked from the chandelier in the galley. Bad fucking move on Shirley’s part. During her buck-ass naked extravaganza, she’d accidentally blinded six crew members standing nearby when she gouged their eyes out with her toe.
    Her lack of remorse was a huge turn-on for Pirate Dave, but alas, she only had one vagina. Pirate Dave ripped open a box of Salty Skeeboodles and shoved them in his mouth. Thank God for the internet. Food in 1492 sucked. Through his Warlock magic he was able to order delicious delicacies from the future. He left the crumbs from his snack embedded in his chest fur. Lice needed to eat, too.
    “Great Poseidon’s Asswaffles!” he choked out.
    He panicked as he looked down at his expanding stomach and realized he couldn’t see his peckers anymore. His inability to find a fuck buddy with two lady holes had led him to eat. A lot. He cared not that his once nicely indented hairy ass had turned as flabby as Poseidon’s.
    Feeling nauseous and horny, Pirate Dave formed a plan. He would stay awake until he caught his secret admirer. Anyone thoughtful enough to leave him a hat full of assholes deserved a garlic press. He gotten a case for eleven dollars and ninety-two cents. He hunkered down and waited.
    A nasty storm brewed on the horizon. The wind whistled ominously and blinding streaks of lightning ripped through the sky, tearing the darkness apart like a go-cart at a monster truck rally. The ship tossed and turned, causing Dave’s triple bacon cheeseburger, onion rings, and fish sandwich to threaten a reappearance.
    “Goddamnit,” Pirate Dave railed against the howling gale, “I hate getting wet.”
    Pirate Dave’s head drooped and his shoulders sagged, for Dave had become too fat to fit through the cabin doors. He’d been relegated to living on the deck, becoming one with the motherfucking elements.
    If only that shit-ass little troll hadn’t lopped his wanker off, none of this would have happened. He’d be happily porking Shirley. A ball-gag, duct tape and lock jaw had solved the voice problem. He really did love her as long as she didn’t speak, but . . . Laverne had given him a boner numerous times, too. Her violent murderous streak made his Johnsons stand at attention. What to do . . .
    The storm picked up and Pirate Dave realized the rain might shrink his ass-less leather chaps. He loved his leather chaps. They’d become slightly uncomfortable due to his double cocks, but his vanity overruled his comfort. Of course his recent hundred-pound weight gain didn’t help, but that wasn’t his fault. It was the fault of the formerly blind, stupid, fucktard troll.
    He looked down at his wrists and shook his head in disgust. Calico Andy had lost the key to the furry handcuffs and now he was stuck wearing pink fur and metal until