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    Melvyn says, “What’s this?”
    Sharon says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
    Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He says, “Jeez—oooh—I—” Sharon then says, “Yes, he’s too lazy to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

    Responses to kosher pick-up lines:
    Abe: “Haven’t we met before? In Israel, maybe?"
    Hetty: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the Tel Aviv VD Clinic.”
    Abe: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before? At the Israeli dance class maybe?"
    Hetty: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.”
    Abe: “I just love Jewish affairs—is this seat empty?"
    Hetty: “Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.”
    Abe: “I live in Brooklyn—shall we go to your place or mine?"
    Hetty: “Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.”
    Abe: “I’m an accountant—so what do you do for a living?"
    Hetty: “I’m a female impersonator.”
    Abe: “How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Hetty: “Unfertilized!"
    Abe: “I’m very experienced and I know how to please a woman.”
    Hetty: “Then please leave me alone.”
    Abe: “You’re such a beautiful Jewish girl that I want to give myself to you.”
    Hetty: “Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.”
    Abe: “I’m a stockbroker in the City and I can tell that you want me.”
    Hetty: “Ohhhh. You’re so right. I want you—to leave.”
    Abe: “I’m a connoisseur of beautiful Jewish women and if I could see you naked, I’d die happy.”
    Hetty: “Yes, but if I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.”
    Abe: “My father is big in real estate and I’d go through anything for you.”
    Hetty: “Good! Let’s start with your bank account.”
    Abe: “I have lots of money which I’d use to go to the end of the world for you.”
    Hetty: “Yes, but would you stay there?"

Matchmakers
    Benny, the
shadchen
(matchmaker), goes to see Abe, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
    “Abe, you mustn’t wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says Benny.
    “Don’t bother,” replies Abe, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs.”
    “That’s all well and good,” said Benny, “but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”
    “I said ‘two sisters.’ I didn’t say they were mine!”

    A
shadchen,
having sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect to see her. Cyril took one look at the girl to whom the
shadchen
elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
    “What’s the matter?” asked the
shadchen.
    “You said she was young,” whispered Cyril, “but she’s forty if she’s a day! You said she was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely, but she’s fat enough for two! You said—”
    “You don’t have to whisper,” said the
shadchen.
“She’s also hard of hearing.”

    Benny had married off four of his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm, intelligence, manners nor conversation to make up for his poor looks. Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single. In desperation, Benny met with a
shadchen
who listened and said, “I have just the girl for Solomon—Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara.”
    “Who?”
    “Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England, that’s who.”
    “A
shiksa?"
    The
shadchen
sighed. “In these enlightened times, what’s wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family, with very little anti-Semitism—they fought Hitler, remember. They have excellent social connections, they’re wealthy and the girl is a real beauty Look, I’ll write the names down together.”

    SOLOMON GOLDMAN—ZARA PHILLIPS.
    Benny thought the names looked very good together, but said, “I also have to consider Aunt Bette. She is very religious and if she found