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do it! There-that's
    the way to be in a crisis: decisive! Just as I wrote in my
    book, summarizing what I learned during General
    Poppapower's heart attacks, "Decisive action relieves
    the tension which builds up in a crisis. When the
    situation requires that an individual restrain himself
    from acting decisively over a long period, this can be
    the most wearing of all crises."
    You see, it isn't even what you decide-it's that you
    decide. Otherwise there's that darn tension; too much,
    and, I tell you, a person could probably crack up. And
    I for one will not crack up while I am President of the
    United States. I want that to be perfectly clear. If you
    read my book, you'll see that my entire career has been
    42 OUR GANG
    devoted to not cracking up, as much as to anything.
    And I don't intend to start now. Cool, confident and
    decisive. I'll do it-I'll say I'm a queer!
    LEGAL COACH: I wouldn't if I were you, Mr.
    President.
    TRICKY: You wouldn't?
    LEGAL COACH: Nope, not if I were the President
    of the United States. Why should you? At the time of
    the Checkers Speech, when you were only a candidate
    for the Vice Presidency, of course it. was necessary to
    explain and apologize and be humble and tell them
    how much money you owed your Mommy and Daddy
    and that you had a doggie and so on. Look, I wouldn't
    have objected back then if you had gotten down on
    your hands and knees on television, and demeaned
    and debased yourself in whatever way was most
    natural to you, in order to come to power. But now
    you are in power. Now you are the President. And
    who are those kids in the street, leveling these
    outlandish charges at you? They're kids, in a street. I
    don't care what kind of uniforms they wear, they are
    still not adults in houses. And that makes all the
    difference in the world.
    TRICKY: Your suggestion then is what?
    LEGAL COACH: No less than any other citizen in
    this country, Mr. President, you still have recourse to
    the law. I say use it. I say round 'em
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 43
    up, put 'em in the clink, and throw the key away.
    MILITARY COACH: Objection! Enough mollycod
    dling of the enemy. Let's get it over with once and
    for all. Shoot 'em!
    TRICKY (considering) : Interesting idea. I mean that is
    just about as decisive as you can get, isn't it? But
    may I ask, General, shoot 'em after we round 'em
    up, or before? This of course is the problem we
    always have, isn't it?
    MILITARY COACH: After, sir, and we are run
    ning the same old risk.
    LEGAL COACH: On the other hand, General, be
    fore and don't think you aren't running a risk too.
    Before, and I can tell you now, sure as we're sitting
    here, you are going to get those civilrights nuts
    down on your neck, and I tell you they are a great
    big pain in the ass to everybody involved, and can
    tie up my staff for days at a time. I
    MILITARY COACH: Granted, they are a nuisance.
    But after, and you are going to get yourself mired
    down with these Boy Scouts just the way we are
    mired down in Southeast Asia. After, and you are
    sacrificing what is fundamental to the success of any
    attack: the element of surprise. Common sense tells
    us that even the enemy is not so stupid as to stand
    around waiting to be shot, but if he has had
    sufficient warning that he is about to be killed, will
    take some kind
    of cowardly and, often enough, vicious means of
    protecting his life, such as fighting back. Now I, of
    course, abhor that kind of deviousness as much as
    anyone; nonetheless we must face up to it: these
    people haven't the slightest sense of fair play, and
    many of them will not even stand still waiting
    around to be jailed, let alone killed.
    And what about the moral issue? I have a
    conscience to live with, gentlemen, I have a tradition
    to uphold, I am responsible to something
    more important than dollars and cents. And I tell
    you, I will not mollycoddle the enemy at the risk of
    American lives, unless of course I am ordered to do
    so. Mr. President, I must