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all due respect, we happen now to be
    listening to a man whose business is politics, just the
    way yours is religion, and if he says that in a situation
    like this one the truth and the dog and so on are not
    going to get us anywhere, then I must assume he
    knows what he is talking about. After all, one of. the
    signs of a great leader is his willingness to listen to all
    sides of an issue without being blinded by his own
    prejudices and preconceptions. Now I am a Quaker, as
    you well know, and consequently it is only natural that
    I should be prejudiced in behalf of the advice given to
    me by a spiritual person like yourself. But I cannot run
    from the facts, just so as to be a better Quaker in your
    eyes and in mine. We are dealing with a mob of
    youngsters whose minds have been poisoned with a
    terrible lie. We are going to have to find a way to
    restore them to their senses while simultaneously
    restoring to the office of the Pres
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 39
    idency its dignity and prestige. And if in order to
    accomplish those two important tasks I have to go on
    TV and say I am a homosexual, then I will do it. I had
    the courage to call Alger Hiss a Communist. I had the
    courage to call Khrushchev a bully. I assure you, I
    have the courage now to call myself a queer!
    The problem is not my courage to say this or say
    that; it never has been. The problem, as always, is one
    of credibility. Will they believe me?
    General, will they buy it over at the Pentagon? That
    should certainly be a good test case.
    MILITARY COACH (considering) : They might,
    sir. They very well might.
    TRICKY: Would it help if I batted my eyes more,
    when I talk?
    MILITARY COACH: No, no, I think they feel you
    bat your eyes enough already, sir. Any more and it
    might not go over too well with some of the oldtimers.
    TRICKY: I take it from what you say that you would
    positively rule out my wearing a dress. Something
    simple. A basic black, say.
    MILITARY COACH: Not necessary,
    sir. TRICKY: How about earrings?
    MILITARY COACH: No, I think you're fine as you
    are, sir.
    TRICKY: The point is I don't want to come off
    40 OUR GANG
    as just a sissy. Five o'clock 'shadow and all, I really
    have to watch myself in that department. '
    SPIRITUAL COACH: Mr. President, if I may, in.
    your eagerness to do the right thing for the nation,
    I. think you may be overlooking a small technical
    point. Homosexuals have intercourse also.
    TRICKY (stunned) : They do? . How?
    (Here the Spiritual Coach takes Tricky by the handmuch
    as he might comfort one in bereavementand,
    leaning forward, discreetly whispers the answer
    into the President's ear)
    TRICKY (recoiling) : Why, that's awful! That's
    disgusting! You're making that up!
    SPIRITUAL COACH: Would that I were, Mr. Presi
    dent.
    TRICKY: But-but-(Here he leans forward to whisper
    into the Reverend's ear)
    SPIRITUAL COACH: I suppose they don't care
    about that, Mr. President.
    TRICKY (outraged) : But that's bestial! That's
    monstrous! This is America! And I'm the President
    of America! And-and-(turning in be wilderment
    to the other coaches) listen, do you people realize
    what's going on in this country? Do you know what
    he just told me?
    POLITICAL COACH: I think we do, Mr. Pres
    ident.
    TRICKY: But that's grotesque! Uccchhy! It makes
    my lip crawl!
    TRICKY HAS ANOTHER CRISIS 41
    POLITICAL COACH: To be sure, Mr. President.
    But nonetheless in terms of the problem that is facing
    us, it happens to be neither here nor there. The point
    is this: homosexuals, regardless of whatever else they
    may do, are in no way involved in the sort of sexual
    activity that produces fetuses-and that is still what
    these Boy Scouts are up in arms about. Consequently,
    if you were to go on TV and say you were a
    homosexual, in the minds of most Americans you
    would have cleared yourself of the charge the Boy
    Scouts are making, that you are a heterosexual activist.
    You'll be entirely in the clear.
    TRICKY: I see . . I see . . . Okay-I'll