donât really have a mom,â Arizona says for me.
âWeâre over it,â I say, and it feels true.
âYou donât look too much like sisters,â Bernardo says. Itâs the first time anyoneâs ever said that, and it aches. Until right now, everyoneâs always been able to guess. Weâve had the same dark-blond hair and blue eyes and wide hips and flat chests our whole lives. Weâve had matching pale skin and T-shirt collections and side ponytails. âI mean, I can see it now that I know,â he says. âBut at first glance Iâd have no idea.â
I look at her. Iâve been avoiding taking her in. She doesnât even look like a New Yorker anymore, let alone like a family member. My throat closes up, recognizing the sudden distance between us. If we were walking down the street, no one would think we were sisters. Itâs the huge kind of loss that is impossible to swallow all at once, so I look away again.
âTheyâre like twins!â Roxanne says, because she hasnât looked at Arizona yet either.
âArizonaâs older,â I say. âSheâs in college.â It is a useless sentence that explains nothing.
Itâs weird, how a new set of breasts can feel like a betrayal. It sounds stupid and I know I can never say it out loud.
âWe have the same eyes. And nose,â Arizona says. I want to gauge what amount of pain sheâs feeling. I hope it measures up.
Bernardo looks at Arizonaâs face, then mine, twisting his head all around to see every angle, looking for similarities. He shrugs, like it doesnât really matter.
âYeah, no, I see it.â
Arizona grins, thinking heâs really seen our sisterliness at last, but I can tell he hasnât. He doesnât. He wonât. Itâs gone.
five
We pick up hair dye at the Duane Reade on the way to my place and after we squeeze, all four of us, into our bathroom.
âIt should be pretty bright for, like, six weeks,â Roxanne says. âThen itâs gonna sort of fade over time. Especially in the sun. Okay?â Sheâs an expert. Today her hair is brown with purple stripes, but who knows what it will be next week. Sheâs been growing it long, so it hangs heavy and thick past her shoulders, a certain kind of beautiful that I think she doesnât get enough credit for.
Roxanne is always this person for Arizona and meâcreating magic where there was nothing, manufacturing ease where there was tension. On our last day together last summer she dragged us to Coney Island to sit on the beach in bikinis and eat Nathanâs hot dogs. They were good. We forgot to be sad about the fact they were leaving. After their graduation, the one I skipped, we painted stars and hearts on our cheeks with face paint and played our recorders in Washington Square Park. We made ten dollars and bought pizza.
âSix weeks of pink hair, huh?â Bernardo says. He doesnât seem nervous. But he doesnât seem exactly happy either. He shrugs. Gets a look on his face like heâs doing the math on how many days six weeks means. I get a wave of loneliness at how little I actually know about him. How unfamiliar and unpredictable his moods are to me. He looks my way with raised eyebrows and shining eyes. âCan we handle that? Thatâs some serious commitment. Youâve gotta hang out with me for at least as long as I have this crazy hair.â
âSix weeks is a long time, dude,â I say while Arizona washes her hands in the sink and Roxanne runs out to the kitchen to find some rubber gloves. âYou might hate me. Then youâll have pink hair and nowhere to sit in the park and some serious disappointment.â
âI thought this was all about being some über-individual,â Arizona says. âMaybe this dude should go with a different color. Or shave it all off instead.â Itâs like sheâs joking but sheâs