Read Larkin's Letters for Free Online

pressed me to tell you about my plan. I tried to explain to you that I couldn’t follow the plan. You didn’t want to hear it when I told you I couldn’t do the chemotherapy because of not having any insurance and just like I knew you would, you offered to pay for it. I tried to tell you that I can’t accept your money, Ryan. I am not a charity case. I will not take advantage of you. This is not your problem.
    But you still pressed and pressed me. You begged me to let you help. You told me it was your problem too, whether I liked it or not. I could tell I had hurt you when I accused you of thinking of me as a charity case. You asked me what I would do if the situation was reversed, and you’re right, Ryan. You are so right. I would do anything for you, but I just can’t seem to take your money. You pleaded with me. You told me you had more money than you knew what to do with, and now you know. You want to help me, but I can’t. I can’t take it. I know you don’t care about it, but I will never be able to pay you back. I know you’re angry with me for pushing you away.
    The last words you said to me today before you left are haunting me. I can’t even sleep. I told you that taking your money wasn’t an option for me, and you told me that letting me die wasn’t an option for you. That’s the last thing you said before you left. You couldn’t even look at me as you grabbed your bag and packed up your things. You let the door close behind you without as much as a glance back at me. Where did you go, Ryan?
     
    Ryan placed the book, Larkin’s manuscript, and his watch back into the nightstand and slammed the drawer shut. He had a hard time catching his breath. Maybe he wasn’t ready. Or maybe he just didn’t want to be ready. Why couldn’t she be here to read to him? She always read to him when he was in a bad place. He wanted so badly to hear her voice. He was having a hard time admitting that was not going to happen. He didn’t know what to do. He was so lost, and he had no idea how to get to where he needed to go, wherever that was. Larkin would know. She would know what to do to help him. She was the light he needed to guide him to the place where he could find peace again. These thoughts were attacking his mind. It was as if bombs were igniting in his brain, and he was trying to find shelter, but he couldn’t run fast enough. The shelter he was seeking was Larkin, but she wasn’t there.
    “Not yet, Larkin. I’m not ready yet,” he quietly said to himself as the tears began to form behind his eyes. “Don’t rush me.”
    He sat on the edge of the bed looking around the room. He wasn’t quite sure what it was he was looking for, but he was grasping for anything that would help him get through this moment. The memories of that night in the last letter were exploding in his mind. He remembered staring into her eyes hoping she would see the desperation in his, but she had broken that stare by looking down and wouldn’t look at him after that. He was so angry with her. How could she be so selfish? He knew there was nothing more he could say to her. He had reluctantly let go of her hands, grabbed his bag, and left without a word. He had never felt so helpless, even betrayed. He felt by her not letting him help her, she was betraying their friendship. He crouched down to the hallway floor just outside her door to catch his breath, and then he eventually made his way down to the hotel lobby. He had felt so disoriented. He didn’t know where to go from there. He went outside and went for a walk, and he had no idea where he was going, but he didn’t care at that point. He just needed to clear his head. He was losing his best friend, and he had felt so alone.
    He remembered walking about a half mile before he found his way to a park bench just overlooking the Delaware River. As he rested and tried to gather his thoughts, his attention would wander from the boats and Jet Skiers buzzing by down the river to