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‘Explain!’
       ‘I haven’t got time to explain,’ I say. ‘I have to get to the hospital. It’s a matter of life or death.’
       Craig snorts.
       ‘It’s a matter of life or death all right,’ he says, ‘but you won’t need a hospital by the time I’ve finished with you. You’ll be going straight to the morgue!’
       ‘Yeah, you’re in big trouble, Andy,’ says Jen. ‘Wait till I tell Mum and Dad!’
       You do that and I’ll tell them you got home late and you had Craig in your room!’ I say.
       ‘I’ll just deny it,’ says Jen.
       ‘But it’s true!’ I say.
       ‘I know that and you know that,’ says Jen. ‘But who do you think Mum and Dad are going to believe? Me or you?’
       She’s got a point but I don’t care. I don’tcare about anything. I’m going to die.

       ‘Please let me go,’ I beg. ‘I swear I won’t tell anybody anything. Just let me go.’
       Suddenly I feel the most extraordinary sensation at the back of my throat.
       ‘Are you all right, Andy?’ says Jen. ‘You’ve gone green!’
       ‘Probably just another one of his dumb tricks,’ says Craig.
       ‘No,’ says Jen. ‘Look at him. I think there really is something wrong.’
       I can’t speak. I gag and cough. It’s like when you touch the back of your throat to make yourself sick . . . only it’s not me doing the touching. It’s the spider! It’s trying to get out. I gag again. Something flies out of my mouth and lands on the carpet.
       Something wet.
       Something furry.
       Something disgusting.
       We all stare at it. A leg extends from the furry blob—and another and another and another.
       That is truly gross, but better out than in I guess.
       It starts dragging itself across the carpet towards the door. Towards Craig and Jen.

       Jen screams. Craig screams too. Even louder than Jen.
       They both run from the door back to the bed. They are huddled in the corner clutching each other, staring at me in horror.
       ‘Go away!’ screams Jen. ‘Get out!’

       So this is what it’s like to be the bogeyman. This is what it’s like to have people terrified of you. I could get used to this.
       I make a big show of licking my lips. I look down at the spider.
       ‘Nice flavour,’ I say. ‘But a bit hairy. Either of you want to try it?’
       Jen puts a hand over her mouth. Craig goes white.
       ‘What’s the matter?’ I say. ‘Aren’t you feeling well?’
       They shake their heads.
       I move towards the door. My work here is done.
       ‘Sweet dreams,’ I say.

f all the things I’ve ever done, this would have to be the most stupid.

       I’m lying on my back squashed into a pram. Sucking a dummy. Waving a Porky Pig rattle. Wearing a nappy.
       Danny is pushing me down the hill. He can hardly walk for laughing.
       ‘Googoo gaga!’ I gurgle.
       ‘Good baby,’ says Danny.
       We spent the whole morning walking around the streets inspecting the piles of junk left on everybody’s nature strips for the hard rubbish collection tomorrow. That’s where we found the pram. It’s a big old-fashioned one with large wheels, curved mudguards and a high chrome handle. The
    pram is a bit battered, but it still goes, and it’s got great suspension. And as if that wasn’t enough, there was a garbage bag full of old baby clothes and toys to go with it.

       Putting on a nappy and going for a ride just seemed like the obvious thing to do.
       The dummy is starting to taste a bit rubbery. I take a deep breath and spit it out. It hits Danny in the eye.
       ‘Bad baby!’ says Danny. He lets the pram go.
       I start to roll down the hill. I scream.
       Danny grabs the pram.
       ‘Just tricking!’ he says.
       ‘Good one,’ I say.
       He lets go again.
       I roll for a couple more seconds, but this time I’m only a little bit worried. He grabs the pram again.
       ‘You’re an